At dinner I commented that I couldn’t actually remember… but I think this has been my best Mother’s Day ever. EC said that she remembers that last year was… not good. I said I don’t remember and I don’t want to. Moving on! Today was great!

Noah and EC both gave me cards. EC and MC both gave me little presents of stuff… I bought and they gave back to me. Sure. Why not. It’s the thought that counts. I’m happy. Noah did his normal breakfast/lunch cooking, We had Thai takeout for dinner. Lovely day. I bought myself flowers because I wanted them at the farmers market.

Noah and I had an interesting conversation today. I am… probably closer to what I understand as a political progressive than Noah is. Noah notices things like most revolutions don’t work and not thinking through the long-term consequences means that when you do things sometimes they blow up spectacularly.

I can’t get past the example of my own life. If I had done the things other people called “smart” if I had “gone along” I would be dead. I am breaking all these rules and refusing to think through the consequences in a country where a successful revolution was fought because a bunch of folks who were mostly 17-22 decided to blow some shit up.

If I had “thought through” the consequences of my brother and father killing themselves would I have prosecuted? Would my current life be possible if I hadn’t?

It isn’t that he’s wrong.

Depending on how you define “success” there is no human culture or belief or way of being that has ever been successful because everything has changed. What we are doing today is no more permanent than slavery under the Roman Empire.

I’m still trying to figure out how/where I am going to grow with regards to sex. Coercive sex that hurts me is not something I can keep doing forever. I tried. I really did. I tried to do what I was told. I tried to do what was wanted of me.

There turn out to be consequences that neither I nor Noah could predict super well when we got married. We were both trying to make considerate choices. But I was negotiating from a very broken point of view. I was actively negotiating and pushing for things that were abusive to me. I’m not in any way saying it was all Noah’s fault. It wasn’t. *I* hurt me.

Why didn’t I just negotiate for something different, something healthier…

I negotiated for what I was told I was supposed to get from when I was a toddler. I’m sorry that I’m not as healthy as someone who had a different life. I’m trying. I’m improving. But the progress is slow and uneven and fucked up.

Did Noah and I really think through all the consequences of our sexual choices?

Maybe it’s really hard to think through all the possible consequences of anything.

I don’t have very many answers today. But I’m glad I get to keep talking to Noah about it.