For the first time in almost twelve years of marriage I hope my mother in law sends another fucking box of presents. She sent a box of presents for Eldest Child’s tenth birthday that happens next week. (Woo! Big kid! So Exciting!!!)

Guess what she sent? She sent clothes for the baby. She sent two identical boxes (one for EC and one for MC) that are intended to be memory boxes for the infant period. It would be an appropriate gift for Youngest Child because I’d stand a chance of still having most of the things for this box… but uhhh…. ten years later I don’t have a lot of these things. I didn’t save the first bib or first binky. So uhm…

And another dang blanket. Clearly baby sized.

This is the first time I have ever hoped she’ll send another box. Not one thing in there was an appropriate/nice birthday present and she’s not usually a complete failure in the gift department.

The third time is the charm is this delightful baby. We went for a walk yesterday and she hung out cheerfully in a stroller for an hour. Not a peep out of her. She smiled at the big kids while we were walking. She seemed to like that each big kid took a turn pushing her and she was excited.

My Youngest Child is such a glorious person. Getting to spend time with her feels like a present from the universe. I’m so happy about hanging out with her. Even though it is also exhausting.

That’s life, buddy.

We are going to try the stroller a few more times before I make any sort of commitment there. We currently have one that a neighbor left out on the sidewalk free (my favorite reason to try something new) but it’s a terrible design. By the time we got back all three of us had very sore wrists. I know that better/more ergonomic handle set ups exist… but it’s not worth investing in until I know the baby likes a stroller so much that we might actually use it.

I hate strollers in general… but my back hurts so badly right now I feel like someone slammed me backwards into a wall. I hurt from neck to hips. It burns. I saw my chiropractor yesterday and my massage therapist tomorrow. I should go back to acupuncture. I could probably also benefit from trying to see the personal trainer again.

Where is that money tree when I need it.

How in the world am I going to manage when I leave all my medical support? This is going to be terrifying as fuck.

I had an interesting chat with the kids last night before bed. Middle Child asked me about why I yelled earlier in the day. Because it hadn’t been necessary. I said, “Well. Let me tell you a story.” I told them (as if it weren’t me) about a little girl who was moved around a lot and learned to be very nasty to people because people always say, “If you are good enough you can stay” but they never mean it and there is no way for her to be good enough. She always has to leave every home. After a while she was just mean to people to start off with because that way she doesn’t hope and get hurt extra anymore. I talked about why she would learn to hate herself and be very very mean to herself every time she makes any kind of mistake. Those are the only kind of words she has really heard.

Then what do you think would happen if she grew up and had children and had to learn how to talk to herself and other people as if they all loved each other.

Would there be bumps in that road as she learns how to love herself and other people?

I learn how to love myself by interacting with my children. I replace my inside voice with their voices over time very carefully and deliberately.

I fucking love that my children tell me not to call myself or my mistakes stupid. They are silly.

So I said, “Notice how the mistake you made was the exact same pattern of mistake I do?” Middle Child being the plucky soul they are said, “YES! That’s why it seemed so mean!!! You mess up just like that all the time!”

“I do. And what you don’t know is that inside my head I am always screaming at myself the way I screamed at you. Sometimes in my head I get confused and I forget that you aren’t me because you are my me-not-me and inside my body when you mess up the same way I do… I get agitated. Because my body freaks out when you mess up like it messes up when I mess up. I shouldn’t. It’s not fair. It means I over react. I yell because I’m treating you like me. And that sucks.”

“Oh. Wow. That really sucks. You shouldn’t ever talk to yourself like you yelled at me.”

“I know. I’m working on it. It has gotten a lot better… but it’s hard to unlearn everything you learn as a very young child. It’s why I drill you so much on habits you want to have as a grown up. Changing as a grown up sucks so much.”

Separately, Middle Child asked me to take a week off the forums and spend more time with them. That sounds like a lovely “End of school” present.

I love that my children love me. They show me how to love people. They show me how to forgive and work harder. Because they deserve every speck of energy I can muster for them. Someday I hope I will really be the mother they deserve.

Noah, I wouldn’t have absolutely any of this without you. I wouldn’t have these people without you. I wouldn’t have had this privileged walled garden experience without you.

And, randomly… it’s nice that every single person in our network locally is talking about how much they will miss us from the neighbors to the grocery store clerks to our car mechanic. They all say they understand and they hope they won’t fall off the Christmas card list.

Oh I won’t forget you wonderful people. I hope you will write back and tell me about your own adventures. I love you and I want to know how your story continues. I know it will.