Today I will live in video game hell. *sigh* My little girl is having a birthday party. What she wants is a party full of folks playing video games with her. I can see why she will have fun. Once again… I will sit around and talk to my friend’s mother. (EC’s friend’s grandmother.) It’s ok. She will coo over the baby she helped bring into the world and that’ll be nice.

I will be glad to see Ma. I’m not actually complaining. I will enjoy the visit. But… video games. Meh. To each their own.

My wonderful MC just woke up so I’m not sure how much I’ll get to type. Kiddo only slept 8 hours. I wonder how today will go…

If I keep YC off the boob between dinner and bed time she can sleep 8+ hours without a genuine wake up. She sleep nurses once or twice but no full wake up. That’s awesome. I am appreciating everything about this baby.

We went to the Cal Academy of Science yesterday on public transit. Holy shit that took fucking forever. This is why I don’t go more places. The bay area is fucking huge. It was seriously 3 hours round trip because there was a bunch of police activity on BART. I don’t know what was happening and frankly it’s not my business. I hope it wasn’t an officer shooting someone but frankly I don’t have the spoons to check.

I am so tired. Being in this country is so tiring. Feeling like I really should check to see if this was another government sponsored murder fucking sucks. I want to know and I don’t want to know. I should protest everything. I should work against the people who have control.

Or I could run. Like a fucking coward.

I have fought so much. I am so tired. I fought for myself and that’s not enough. That’s not right. But I don’t know what I have to give.

I am trying to learn how to be less of an asshole. My kids are the reason I am trying to learn to be a better person and frankly nobody else is worth the effort. Either I’m good enough for a relationship or I will walk away and be alone. I can’t/won’t do that with my children. I have to be good enough which means I have to change absolutely anything necessary. My babies are jet fuel for me.

The museum was fun and the kids did great. We walked six miles through the course of the day. I feel vindicated that we need to be ready for six miles as just a part of our lives. We have to be that fit. It must be something that doesn’t wear us out extra.

Want to hear something funny? MC spent the train ride home buzzing with energy and driving me nuts with bouncing. They asked to pick up a third sport again. They asked to drop their third sport a few weeks back because with the walking they were feeling worn out. Now that they have acclimated they want a third sports class again. Not gymnastics again, ballet. This kid has energy to burn. I don’t know how a body can move so much. I mean. Clearly they get it from me. lol. I was like this as a kid but I had no money so I couldn’t go to classes. And playing outside was dangerous because I ran my mouth and ended up with folks hating me and wanting to beat the crap out of me.

Good times!

I suspect that if my kids were as unsupervised as I was… people would want to beat the shit out of them for running their mouths too. They both have exactly that much tact.

Oh, side note. It won’t be all video games all day. EC is awake and has reminded me. Instead she has come up with an RPG system for Warrior Cats and we have all been assigned characters. I am Mud Spot. Because I am the one who is always playing in the mud. Sure, sounds good. That’s accurate. Ok this part will be silly and fun. She comes up with good stories.

Another note of clarification. I have apparently been unclear about travel plans because folks are asking me “Wait does that mean x or y?” Upcoming travel: September we are going to Mexico for a week long vacation. October is Sarah’s birthday at Disneyland. October is when we are putting the house on the market. Whenever the house sells we are heading to Washington DC for 3-4 months then the UK. Of course we will mostly base out of Inverness so that I can see Jenny’s family.

So October is Sarah, November-February (if we sell the house this quick) is Pam, and then I run off to Jenny.

That’s so much blessed luck and love I feel like my heart will burst. Ok fine. If my favorite people won’t all come to me… that’s ok. I’m portable.

Noah… you really do tolerate something close to polyamory. But the sex is a bridge too far. Ok.

Speaking of sex! Dang it’s been nice lately. I think there is something to that sexual maturity thing. Sex is easier now than it used to be. Easier emotionally. I’m feeling less of the fuzzy burning anxiety about how I don’t get to back out or change the deal. Having the experiences of the mutual masturbation lately has been so good for me. I don’t feel like if things get uncomfortable I should just go blank. It’s feeling a lot more ok to ask for change/things to stop. I don’t know why it is shifting now and it didn’t shift 10 years ago.

I’ve been with Noah non-consistently for 15 years now and married for almost 12 years. Why is it changing now?

Dinno. It is.

I even asked him to spank me last time because the kids were all solidly asleep and we in the garage and they couldn’t hear us. It was kind of old-person-funny because I kept having to be careful to not fuck up my back. lol. Hit me! Ack! Not at that angle or I’ll throw out my back! *giggle*

I amuse me.

breakfast beckons