Once upon a time when I fizzled like this I would go look for trouble. Not now. Now I have babies. Now I sit at my kitchen table and this song is in my head. For most of the day I’ve had this one going. These songs make me think that being a parent and wife is complicated for her too.

I tried to express something to a friend this week and I feel weirdly jittery about it.

I’m really sad that my attempts to build community here have not been successful enough that I want to stay no matter the frustrations. I have put a lot of time and energy into people and communities. I didn’t ever manage to feel like that connection was “important enough” whatever that means. I am not important enough.

I’m sad that people who gosh darned know I’m in their community don’t poke me and say, “Hey I’m having a problem.” Cause the thing if… if folks militantly won’t ask for help… I don’t exactly feel like I should ask for help either. Which makes the bonds of community hard.

Do I reach out? Sometimes. In a blind, flailing way most of the time. “Will someone help?” It is so much scarier to ask a specific person. But lemme tell you… if someone offers help I say yes.

But my life has been my life. We all have different experiences.

My way is not The Way. sigh.

It is funny that I have moved my intense feelings towards “community” because the chosen family thing didn’t work for me in a large scale way. I take my community seriously and I show up any time someone pokes me and requests my presence. I’m that weird bastard cousin who shows up at family reunions to piss everyone off. Ha.

I am going to get through this week and today had better be my lowest day. I was a butt. My kids deserve so much better. And in the end EC still wanted to stay up late to chat alone. Even though I am a butt.

Sometimes the intimacy of our relationship astounds me. This is the most intimate non-sexual relationship I’ve ever had. With all of my children… but it’s seriously more intense with EC. (I’m not playing favorites! It’s just… those two years of being alone together made a difference. There’s a level of knowing that is harder to get to with distractions around.)

I know I know I know that no one can “make” me feel anything…. but EC makes me feel more loved than any other person on this planet and I need to not fuck her up because that’s true. I have to guard my black hole of need.

Sometimes I fear that I send signals that make her think I don’t like her in my urgent desire to not overly pressure her.

We are going through a thing and nagging (in both directions) is at a fevered pitch. I’m reading books on ADHD and impulsivity and executive function issues…

My dearest daughter. When I talk about how deeply frustrated I am that I have to tell you literally six times to set the table because you keep walking away mid-task to go read a book… that doesn’t mean I dislike you.

Oh my baby. I like you so much.

MC heard me ranting to Noah. I said, “This is when I hate my kids.” This is going to take weeks, maybe months or years of processing. Sigh.

You know how you sometimes tell your sister that you hate her but you don’t really you are just really frustrated in a moment and you used a hurtful word? Yeah. Like that. Only you weren’t supposed to hear me. I was supposed to be venting behind your back. Is that polite? It’s human. I don’t hate you. I phrased it so poorly.

There are times when I hate how hard parenting is. Usually those times overlap with one or both of you running headlong into an issue I struggle with myself. Yeah. I seriously hate some of these moments. But I take them on all day every day because I like you so much.

Beloved baby… if I really hated you do you think I would treat you like I do? Do you think I would dedicate most of my fucking waking hours to being a performing monkey for you? You might have a weird ass opinion about how I treat people I hate…

But that was an awful thing to hear and you feel sad. That’s so valid.

You need to have something to tell your shrink.

I’m kidding. Kind of. Actually… their shrink said something to me in a hand wavey way on the way out the door. I’m not sure what that was about.

On the way home MC said that they want to head back up to UCSF to talk to the gender folks about puberty again. They are starting to feel like they don’t want to go through puberty as a girl and that means we should figure out hormones, like, soon.

It will also make moving more complicated.

But if that is what my baby needs that is what we will do. One way or another. Amusingly I know at least two trans-folk who have been semi-nomadic during transition. I might ask them how that went. Maybe. I’ll see how the chat with UCSF goes.

When Noah is here to hear all of my bubbling thoughts I feel a lot less crazy. He acts like my thoughts make sense, even if they are discordant.

Talking to my massage therapist is interesting. She’s really struggling with the loss of her mother. In the past 30 years she hasn’t gone longer than 3 days without seeing her mother. It’s been that long since she went on a vacation. Other than going on a handful of vacations… she’s seen her mother a minimum of three times a week all her life.

But she doesn’t have a partner to share her life or her burden with.

Life is hard for everyone.

baby!