I spend hours composing blog posts in my head. Then when I have time at a computer all that comes back to me is, “Tired. Hurt. Busy. Oh g-d.”

Some things I want to notate for my own memory: EC called me out. It was beautiful. There was an incident with screaming right in someone’s face. I said that doing that is almost as bad as hitting someone because it hurts people. My daughter looked at me most pointedly and said, “Does that apply when you do it? Hmmmmm?” I told her that it does. That is part of why I say that they can never deserve being yelled at; it is a failure of control on my part.

It was a pretty lovely exchange. I’m so glad she can stand up for herself. I wish she didn’t need to against me. But I kind of think that is part of most dynamics?

I got real rigid in my expectations again and the big kids are relaxing. I’m not pregnant. I have an infinite amount of focus to ride your ass again. Pregnancy is so hard. I can’t think or move around or help or pay attention the way I do normally. I think it is funny that my kids are thrilled to have the guidelines in place that chores must be done by 10 and academics done by 12 or don’t ask me for screen. It’s a sheer cliff they can see coming and it isn’t based on my moodiness. They like that a lot.

We are solidifying the school assignments for the year. My daughter agrees that it is better to have stuff just assigned in advance so that school work isn’t a day by day “Do I think you’ve done enough for today” battle. That’s super unpleasant for all concerned.

My Middle Child is struggling but also doing well. I feel so bad that he got my full on emotional dysregulation. He really did. That boy is so much like me. We spent a while talking about how he needs to stop physically menacing people while he is little. At some point he is going to start T and it’s literally unsafe for every person in this house if he does so without having his temper under control. Right now he feels very free to physically lash out at us and that’s not ok. It’s better than it used to be. He is growing up and learning more control. But he’s so much like me and the last huge temper tantrum I threw was when Sarah lived here. So it was what 6 years ago? I don’t have a high horse here. I just have the sheepish awareness that I’m not a large person and part of the reason I have gotten away with my tantrums is because I’m not that big.

Middle Child is showing promise to be as tall as Noah. He is doing everything in his power to ensure that he grows up looking manly. It’s going to be a different thing if he is violent. People will hurt him back in ways they don’t hurt me. I’m scared for him. On top of all the other reasons he could be targeted. He’s gotta get his temper under control.

We are probably going to need to put the focus on that for a few months. That’ll need to be a structured elimination plan where I don’t pay that much attention to other things for a bit and that’s hard on the other kids. Balancing the attention between the three of them is going to be a challenge.

I live for challenges.

He’s motivated. He wants to have more control over his temper so he doesn’t lash out and hurt people when he’s angry. But he’s a little kid and that control is hard. That’s ok. I have stacks of books with recommendations. He and I will come up with a plan together and then we’ll act on it.

Religious study is going well. The kids are making interesting connections that I wouldn’t make. There is still too much of me that is influenced by Christianity being taught to me as “The Truth” as a child. My children think Christianity is as accurate as Hinduism. They see no difference. Talking to them is so beautiful. They treat all the stories like they are valid and interesting and have something to teach you about people. It’s cool.

YC had her 4 month check up with the doctor. She’s a textbook baby. 50% for height, weight, and head circumference. (15lbs, 25″ tall) She’s got extremely good head control and back control and she can make more sounds than expected for her age. That part doesn’t shock me at all. Ha. Talk talk talk talk. She’d better be a big talker to keep up in this family.

If I had another girl child I’d want to name Gabrielle so I could call her Gabby and hope she’s talkative. I’m not even kidding. In our clan it would be a prayer on her behalf.

But no more babies. I am absolutely over the moon about the family I have.

I haven’t packed more in a week or so. Partially I only have difficult shaped boxes in the house and partially I realized I’m waiting on the braces and I don’t want to be bitchy/pushy at EC. I’m still slowly clearing stuff out that we aren’t keeping and I’m trying to not feel internal panic. We have many months left. If I keep getting rid of 2-5 bags a week… it’ll all happen. It’s ok.

Thank you so much to R & L for taking the brewing stuff. That was going to be hard to rehouse.

We won’t be going out like I wanted to this summer. Money isn’t endless. Instead, we will stay closer to home and maybe that’s for the best anyway.

Yesterday I walked 5.5 miles. That’s more common lately. I’ve hit 5 miles 4 times in the past two weeks. *pat self on back* My kids are doing similar distances. We are getting ready. We are getting fit. We can do it.

Now, if we could be fully consistent with our other chores and mood management, life would be perfect. If life were perfect… what would we do with our mental energy?