Ok. If I want to be loving and respectful towards the people who have already given me commitments around helping me I need to get my head around what that timeline means. And soon.

Do I have ten years to get everything in place and build the network? What does that mean? My baby girl isn’t going to be safe/ok if I start field research in the next ten years. But that means in the next ten years I need to get to the point where I can cite chapter and verse on all the current incest research. I am going to travel and meet people and make friends in distant and diverse lands.

Because that *is* part of my skill set.

So I think I’m shooting for 2030. That’s probably when I want to have a big group organizational meeting and actually get IDB going as a “Everyone is assigned tasks and we build the network and figure out who is doing what and…”

I have just over ten years to go meet the people who will be on a team with me.

I had to stop and rewrite that sentence. It won’t be *my* team. Perspective matters. I will go meet folks who want to form a team. But I will not be looking to be their boss.

What is it that I am still referring to?

I need to get hygiene, physical maintenance (exercise and eating), and my god damn temper under control.

I can’t keep yelling under stress or I am going to be the abusive bully who wrecks the whole project. That’s sure as the sun coming up tomorrow.

It isn’t that I have to stop having or expressing emotions. It is that I have to figure out constructive ways of dealing with my emotions. *That* is a lot of what I mean when I say I will grow up. I have continuously made progress over the past 18 years of legal adulthood. But I am not where I want to be.

And that’s… yeah. I’m running out of time on this stage. This work is complicated.

I need to get my personal schedule figured out so I can write the books I need to write. I need to re-edit Outrunning and start selling it. The folks who have read it have given me mostly positive reviews… beyond saying it is really hard to read because it is so intense. I think I have figured out that there need to be more than book about the 18-25 period of my life. One part is going to be Part 2 and it will be written with my children as the Ideal Readers and it will not be juicy and sexy and tawdry. But it will be honest about my behavior and it will talk about what I learned and why.

And more than anything I hope I get my ass in gear to write about the education I received at the hands of the Middle Aged Guard. Gosh. I want to write about the Wednesday munch and the Saturday parties and what function they had in my life. Because you were all so important and I love you so much and I don’t know how to honor the gift I was given better than to show its beauty.

I *was* taught a lot of lessons very directly. I’m lucky.

So I want to edit Outrunning but keep it as a book for adults. I need to write the 12 year old version of the same book…. but I think I need both editions. I want to write Part 2. I want to write about the Middle Aged Guard. Then I can write about Wonderland.

I feel both like I am disgustingly self obsessed and like I am trying to get a handle on my own complexity so that I can give more and that’s really not about self obsession.

So that’s what I want to get done in the next ten years, I suppose. Write those books. Figure out how to sell them. Meet The People. My Youngest Child is not going to get 18 years of Mom-Companion in the same way the big kids have. I need to go do this work.

No one gets everything.

I need to get busy.

I’ve read the books (on incest). I’ve read the studies. But I didn’t practice with the titles and details until I can recite them chapter and verse. I have to. Even though that’s going to be depressing as shit.

The work I pick is depressing. It’s a good thing I have so much sunshine in my personal life.