Sometimes it takes me a few minutes of feeling around to get my fingers properly on the home row. Those little nubs are my friends. They gently caress my fingertips and say, “Here I am! Your journey to feeling ok is this way!” From those little nubs I can find anything and I don’t have to look.

Her sweetness doesn’t love me typing around her as she sleeps on my chest. But I’m exploding with feelings.

I want to move around, but I’ve already walked over five miles today and I’m tired.

I want to have sex but I don’t feel even a little bit comfortable leaving her sweetness alone in a room with her shiny new rolling ability.

I want parties and people.

I want to go far, far away.

I want to invite Y to be my date to my 20th high school reunion. She didn’t go to that high school but she went to middle school with us and there is this one dude who has been unable to leave her alone all these years. It would be interesting to see if he has grown up enough to be nice to her finally. Though I have my doubts.

I don’t think I’ll be in town next summer. I will have other things to do.

I want to crave sugar less and I want to have control over my temper.

I want to understand what my children want for their futures so I can help the prepare. Middle Child has some conflicted feelings about home schooling. This is funny to me because he seems to believe that his life would be easier if people made him learn things earlier.

So at this point he’s about 2 months behind “grade level” on English according to the final test done by the charter school and he’s bang on schedule for everything else. It’s not even like the child who is behind feels like they would benefit from school. But the kid who is caught up… he kinda wishes I made him go to school. Every year when it’s time to sign up for school he says no. Then at the end of the year he yells at me that he should have gone to school.

I need to not take on feeling bad because I cannot please my child. Some people don’t want to be pleased. That needs to be ok. Sometimes, he’s truly not in the damn mood to be pleased and that’s ok. It’s not about me. I don’t need to let it wreck my day. He can have his own feelings and I can have my own feelings and we can sit back to back and sigh loudly about how annoying feelings are.

I tell my children that they are perfect *and* they are works in progress because that is how being human works. You are always perfectly yourself and there are always aspects of you that could use some improvement. There is no such thing as a finished person. Keep growing.

I want to go far far away and meet people who have never lived how people live here. I want to ask questions and listen to answers. I don’t want to change people; I want to learn. Yo quiero aprender. I need to not be embarrassed about all the mistakes I’m going to make. It’s ok to sound stupid. It’s kind of unavoidable.

I want to learn how my assumptions are wrong. I want to learn why what I want is and is not possible.

I want to watch my children lean on each other and laugh. The way they enjoy one another overflows my heart with joy.

My life is not fair. It is so ridiculously good that I cannot wrap my head around it. There’s a lot to schedule… but I like a challenge.