Her Sweetness loves her siblings. Sometimes I put Her Sweetness in the swing for a nap because my back is not doing so hot. Her Sweetness will fuss and complain; not a full on cry most of the time. A sibling will come and put on a show. She is suddenly all joy and smiles and giggles. They can entertain her to sleep.

They are all feeling really good about their interactions.

Things continue to be complicated because Middle Child resents the fuck out of being two years younger than his sister. He is bitter and angry that he isn’t as tall and can’t run as fast and isn’t as advanced in classes and… Dude. She’s not better at all these things… she’s two years older. Gah.

But everyone is thriving on being a Big Sibling. (Or the baby is feeling thrilled about having Big People Who Care For Her.)

It’s not that everyone is perfectly happy in every moment. And the big kids bicker like whoa. They need to differentiate themselves and they aren’t all that polite about their process. I get it. I wish MC appreciated how much EC treats him like he treats Her Sweetness. EC does help MC. EC does slow down for MC. EC does give up some of her privileges as an older kid to hang back with him. But he’s angry that she needs to actively make those choices. It’s subconscious and maybe I’m reading the situation wrong. I do that sometimes.

But the two big kids have a hard time when the other wants space. They follow each other around all day… and alternate who is trying to leave. Like cats. They adore each other. They irritate the crap out of each other. I understand both emotions so much.

Right now they are rolling around like puppies. They are pulling hair and punching. I’ve checked in and they both said super loudly, “We had a negotiation. This is consensual.” Heh. Awkward.

This really is just another day in paradise. I really enjoy watching them interact. I’m having a lot of fun teaching them. We are getting through a lot of interesting material. They have boom and bust cycles on motivation… much like their parents… much like all the development books say they will… much like human beings do…

They are figuring out how to have separate friendships. They are figuring out how to keep their friends. (Slowly. It’s a process.)

We are all learning as we go. I think they will be able to learn without me when they are grown. Already EC says, “Mom? I haven’t cleaned enough for the internet but may I look up how to do _____ on youtube real quick because I don’t understand it and I don’t want to ask you to explain 15 times.” The thing could be math or history or drawing or coding or or or or or. She understands her needs in an ever growing way.

I usually say yes to this request. Cause duh.

MC isn’t to this point yet. And that feels developmental and right.

I’m enjoying that they are different and have different needs.

It’s so much more apparent with a third child in the mix. The way they talk to her and interact with her is so different.. They are where they are and I see it in their spontaneous utterances at the baby. In other places it is sometimes more murky. All in all…

I enjoy them. I can complain on any given day because I’m a controlling asshole. But I have really interesting people in my life. They try hard. They think about things. They make connections.

And I am the only normal they have ever known. That’s complicated.

That’s complicated because in many ways I really am a happy soul. I have kept on trucking and trying and growing through all kinds of shit that shuts other people down.

And I really really frequently do it smiling.

Ok sometimes I do it screaming. *cough*

Fuck. I’m torn between feeling like I am such a heinous asshole I don’t deserve to be here with these awesome people and realizing they wouldn’t be so god damn awesome without me.

That’s fascinating. It’s harder to hate myself with them as mirrors.

It makes me think very hard about the things my mother said to me. My children are not told that when they get married they will be that person’s whore forever without the right to say no. My children are told that they need to use their words. Things should not happen to their bodies without their active consent.

I’m hella annoying about checking in on stuff.

And it’s not that they are perfect; they aren’t. They are obnoxious as fuck. Are they rude? I’m not sure if I can judge.

But they make me proud.