I’m looking for a fight and I don’t think it is other people’s fault. I want change, difference, improvement and I am literally at the limit of what I can accomplish and I feel overwhelmed by my inadequacies and I want to take that feeling out on the whole world.

I have no patience. I have only anger and frustration. It’s not fair.

I tried not to talk much today. When I did talk I said the wrong things and I proved I’m just as big of an abusive bully as all the rest.

I’m overwhelmed with rage and massively ashamed of the hypocrisy that is spurring my rage. WHY CAN’T EVERYONE ELSE STOP STRUGGLING WITH THE SHIT I’M STRUGGLING WITH IN FRONT OF ME. HOW DARE YOU NOT HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

I’m being caustic and nasty and I need to knock it off before I lose friends.

I am having very strong feelings about a lot of people right now. If this were actually a private journal I would list names.

I’m not that fucking brave today.

People from the past, the present, and I don’t know what the future will bring. This article about queer women and relationships really hit me in my feels. I’m not poly. But I’m obsessively in love with my friends and I will cross state lines or oceans to be with them.

I’m feeling very out of sorts and adrift. Who am I? The g-d damn milk machine; this stage is so extreme emotionally. And I was getting to a very different point with the big kids. If I didn’t have an infant the big kids would have been in much more time consuming classes for the last year. More distance would be really healthy. Instead they are in my face all.the.time.

The cheese is falling off my cracker. And I can’t bring myself to go find homeschool stuff I have to drive to. I’m so tired. I can’t find the juice to get involved in a new thing when we are leaving soon. And we aren’t heavily in a cycle with anyone right now. We are tying up lose ends and closing doors.

Some more forcefully than others.

And I’m out of patience with life and humans and it isn’t fair.

Not everyone is like me. Goodness that’s so true.

I made this bathroom because I wanted to think about change. Now I feel like I’m being chased by a taser. Change. Change. Get the fuck out and change already.

Sex is on my mind a fair bit. I’m not having much (when we do it’s pretty dang good for how old our baby is) and I’m not masturbating much more. But I’m thinking about it. Thinking about what do I want? How do I even talk about any of this without writing checks my ass doesn’t want to cash? What is a fantasy? What is an order/demand/request?

I don’t know how to seriously do this.

And I have no time alone in my head. Right now Her Sweetness is whining at me.

I’m just such an asshole. I have no patience. I don’t want to be nice.

Time to nurse.