Hormones.

Right in this moment I feel like I want a fourth baby. I don’t. Physically I don’t. Emotionally I don’t. Hormonally I kinda sorta do.

Crazy fucking bodies. I don’t want the expense. I don’t want the pain. I don’t want to feel like I need to die because I am so fucking incapacitated. I don’t want to put my kids through that. I love where we are.

Hormonally, I want to be pregnant. Vasectomy for the win. My husband is too old.

Fuck. This shit is crazy. I’m almost 37 and my first three kids were extremely hard on me. I’m not a candidate.

This shit is crazy.

I don’t want a baby. I wanted three kids. I have three kids.

I want to travel for 2-3 years then settle down somewhere and foster. I don’t want another baby.

But I do. Bodies are weird.

BUT NO MORE BABIES FROM THIS FACTORY. I might go get sterilized just for fucking sure. This is insanity that cannot be followed up on for any reason in any way. No more babies. I very sadly fear I would kill myself because the intensity of my feelings are so overwhelming.

But my kids are the bestest things in the whole world and even though they make me want to break all of my teeth from frustration.

I don’t know what the fuck I want.