I have this thing I do. I decide that in order to feel valuable in myself I have to feel like I am valuable to other people. I kind of have this expectation that I should be a wind up toy, waiting until someone wants to interact with me. But when I do this I tend to start leaving more and more space in my head for other people to define me.

I cause problems when I do this. Because I get mad. Because people never want me in the ways I truly wish they would want me because that’s life for every single person. I know I’m being ridiculous.

I’m thinking about myself inside of relationships. Know how I’m really good at harsh boundaries with people who aren’t in my inner circle? That’s to mask how shitty I am at boundaries with people inside the circle. I don’t want to tell them no or that’s not ok or this has to stop. Because if I hold the line like that I take a risk and people who have made it to the inner circle are few and far between. If I fuck with those relationships I fuck with my core identity.

So I try to guess what people want from me and I try to manifest it. My guesses are often shit and me trying to frantically manifest what I think someone else wants from me very rarely works out. I fuck that up left and right.

So then I’m in this position where I know that I have changed and my friend has changed (life is like that if you are lucky!) and I don’t know what my friend wants from me and I feel hollow and scared and like I need to tap dance faster so I don’t ruin everything.

Then I get angry because FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I RUIN EVERYTHING. IT’S NOT ALL ME, DAMNIT.

Then I notice that the anger is inappropriate because this was all a bullshit cycle in my head anyway that nobody but me opted into. Nobody went out of their way to try and make me feel anything.

Sigh.

I am trying to recognize that my friends were attracted to me because I am a dynamic person. Nobody comes to me for consistency. People come to me for constant change and improvement. That’s the schtick here. People who have stuck around for any length of time need to be comfortable with me changing and changing what I ask for regularly.

So why do I feel so fucking allergic to trying to communicate about those changes? Why do I think those people need me to be in an unchanging box?

Because I’m an idiot.

Because this is why I can’t move to Portland. Because every time I talk to Dad or the folks at the munch they act like I’m 19 and have no kids and I am the person I was when they met me. Err, no. They act like it’s ok to fuck with me for shits and giggles.

We all get to have our own thoughts and feelings. Some of my friends are better able to validate some sets of my thoughts and feelings than others. I know this. It’s not a fuzzy idea it’s a rock solid concept in my brain. I already KNOW that some of my friends are not able to be supportive on some topics because of their own life experiences.

I need to stop looking to those people to be potentially capable of perspectives they are incapable of having. It doesn’t trash the friendship for me to have boundaries about topics. It is more likely to preserve the friendship and have it go on for a long time. It’s ok to have a white list of topics instead of a black list. That doesn’t mean a friendship has degraded. It means that you recognize the limits of your compatibility and you are making sure you don’t rub off the edges.

I am going to learn how to be a grown up and handle these things. I am not going to fuck up a friendship this year. I am not. I am not. I am not. I am not. Things will be at least as good at the end of this year with my friendships as they were at the beginning. Damnit. Or it won’t be about me.

We all have different limitations and complications and problems. Love means trying to find a way to communicate without shaming or pissiness. Love means “I will find a way to carve out a space for you in what I have left. It won’t come out of the main meat I have to live on, but I have extra. Part of it is for you always and forever. But you have to come out of the extra.”

Maybe that extra won’t happen weekly or monthly, maybe only a few times a decade. But it’ll come. And I’ll give it to you because I love you.

There is no shame in only having a little to share and sharing it with your whole heart.

I don’t think my friends are secretly angry I’m not conforming more of my life to them. And if they are… that’s a problem. When a scheduling conflict arrises it isn’t about hatred or disdain. It’s about life. We are grown ups. Grown ups have a lot of shit to do. If you don’t like it then you need to grow the fuck up.

But I feel like someone must be secretly angry at me and I punish myself for it up one side and down the other. I feel like “I’ve been renegotiating boundaries. I’ve been asking for changes. Clearly this means I’m bad and I should be abandoned.” But that’s from me.

My life would get a lot better, my friendships would get a lot better if I didn’t do so much hurting myself and claiming I’m doing it in proxy for my friends.