I have been busy. I have gotten a fantastic amount of stuff done. That 51 item to do list? I’m down to 14 things and I will finish in the next four days.

Today was fascinating. My tone of voice sucks golf balls through a garden hose. I am very harsh. I don’t even feel angry or irritated. I’m just sharp. Middle Child asked me to please medicate tomorrow because he doesn’t want me to seem angry at him on his birthday. That means I’m taking a lot of showers. But he’s worth it. Ok. I do have this stuff left for emergencies. I guess this qualifies.

Sarah started the post-game of “Why did this fail” and it’s kind of weird to me that ALL of the overwhelming intensity of yesterday is gone. I feel tired and sad. My household scheduled too much and promised too much and we couldn’t live up to it. Those kinds of failures are normal. I don’t feel like Sarah let me down.

Last weekend became too many things. It started out as just a visit with Sarah like we do monthly. I asked if we could do our nails and have tea. But my family wanted to join us, which is slightly unusual. Then her nail person was out of town. Then we wanted to schedule a weekend for MC to visit and this was the best option. Then Sarah was slammed at work for two weeks straight. Then then then.

Nobody did anything wrong.

Except me. Hitting myself in the head hard enough to bruise myself was the wrong reaction.

The kids fucking up/bailing on chores was normal and appropriate, though frustrating.

We just had too much scheduled and not enough follow through to get it all done. That happens.

Why do I turn abso-fucking-lutely everything into deserve?

My kids do a really ordinary quantity of fucking up. It’s ok that they are kids. I strongly suspect that if I had been fully medicated I would have been annoyed and upset… but I wouldn’t have flipped out.

I’m not sure that any one of the things that happened yesterday were really as bad as they felt in the moment. It’s just that there were a bunch of them. And I really need to give a shout out to Noah. He managed me. He was great.

But I don’t want to need managing. That’s embarrassing and pathetic.