My to do list is down to 40 things from 51. *pat self on back*

Including applying for global entry 5 times. I’m fucking exhausted. I’ve walked 3.38 miles.

Ok. Have to give up my computer for Minecraft. fuck.

Maybe if I type this shit out I will feel less like I want to put my fist through the wall.

I’m frustrated that I have basically entirely stopped seeing my therapist because I can only handle so many 3-4 hour round trip experiences for therapy in a week and my children think that it is very important they get to play board games with their expensive shrinks every week.

I am not getting as much pain reducing medical care as I would like to get because I’m paying off the birth. I’m not going to be caught up in the health section of the budget for six months and all these travel vaccines and shit are really expensive. So I’m not going to get as much massage or chiropractic care as I could use to be in less pain… until next year or later.

I like going to Renaissance Faires. But I can’t handle the drive to go to most of them and I keep missing the San Jose one for various reasons. Like, I could go today by myself. But my kid already went yesterday with other friends. And Noah’s exhausted and wouldn’t be up for going and having fun. So I’m not going to go. Because going by myself with the baby wouldn’t be a lot of fun. And I can’t be away from the baby long enough to go actually alone. So I don’t go.

I asked Sarah if I could join her on a trip to see her nail person. Because it’s stupid and I wanted to do it with my friend. The timing isn’t working out (she tried! I’m not bitching about Sarah in any way shape or form) and it looks like she will just take my kid instead.

I set up a nice hammock in the back yard because I wanted to spend time this summer dozing in it. My kids decided to turn it into a nasty mud pit. So I made them clean the hammock and I just got rid of it. There is no point in me trying to do something nice for myself.

I really wanted to explore the bay area this summer. But with surprise thousands of dollars in expenses for Middle Child’s medical stuff… that’s not happening. My kids have been asked on a few outings with other people though so they have been doing some exploring.

This is feeling like when I was a kid and everyone around me got to do fun things and I didn’t. I have this baby on me practically all the time.

I’m supposed to act like Noah wearing the baby for a nap is a huge deal. It’s practically fucking Mardi Gras. That’s my big break.

And I’d like to put my head through a window instead of hearing another conversation about video games.

Even when I’m supposed to be the one who gets to go to a movie with the kids… the kids decide it isn’t worth their time to do their chores so we don’t go. When they are going to go with their dad… they get their shit done.

I got fucking season passes to the water park that’s only three miles away. Someone has had diarrhea basically every week… and it hasn’t been me. That’s no one’s fault. But I never get to go because someone else is always feeling bad.

I wrote up my to do list last night because I’m feeling overwhelmed and freaked out trying to keep it all in my head. Very quickly without trying hard I came up with 46 things and most of them are for other people and most of them are going to take hours and most of them need to be done this month.

I’m eating a lot of sugar because I feel like that is the good thing I get to have but sugar is an inflammatory and really it’s just one more way for me to hurt myself because it increases how much pain I am in.

I’m really sad. It doesn’t help that I know I have vacations planned so I feel like I am a stupid fucking bitch for in any way shape or form complaining. I have stuff to look forward to that other people will never be able to have. So I need to shut up about not getting everything I want. How selfish can I be?

I don’t like exercising by myself all the time. But I have to drag/force/make people go with me. So I’m slowing down physically because that process hurts emotionally.

I’m feeling really stupid and pointless and worthless. I don’t want to buckle down and work hard to make all of these things happen for other people. I don’t want to put dozens of hours into other peoples happiness.

I don’t fucking care.

I had a really cool summer planned. Instead of all I planned if I add up all the Skype dates and in person dates I’ll get to have about 27-31ish hours of contact with my friends over the summer.

Oh. That’s why I feel like this.

I’m chatting like fuck! I’m on my damn computer all the time! So I am talking to people… and my elbows are completely thrashed and they burn 24 hours a day. Because either I type at people or I cut myself. That’s where I am. That’s how I can stay in the size and shape of life I’m allowed to have.

I’ve been feeling upset for a while because I don’t have any money in my personal section of the budget so I don’t get to go do fun things. I blew my fun budget on my cousin coming to visit. Only arranging pet care was too onerous and she didn’t get on the plane. After asking me for several hundred extra dollars in the final 48 hours to make sure she could come.

So I’m feeling broke and pissy. The kids get to go do their shit because their money is separate from mine. Only we spend money on the kids doing stuff and they get sick or bored and don’t actually want to go to the  things I’m spending so much on.

Turns out that my budget was a fucking $1,000 over because when Noah and the kids went to Texas without me… that got labeled as my fun money. This is my unhappy face. No wonder I’ve had such a shitty year. I’m paying off them getting to visit their family after I pay off trying to get my family to visit me only I’m not worth it.

I really wanted to spend the summer exploring the bay area. Instead I’ve spent it yelling about chores.

Fuck everything.

Her Sweetness loves her siblings. Sometimes I put Her Sweetness in the swing for a nap because my back is not doing so hot. Her Sweetness will fuss and complain; not a full on cry most of the time. A sibling will come and put on a show. She is suddenly all joy and smiles and giggles. They can entertain her to sleep.

They are all feeling really good about their interactions.

Things continue to be complicated because Middle Child resents the fuck out of being two years younger than his sister. He is bitter and angry that he isn’t as tall and can’t run as fast and isn’t as advanced in classes and… Dude. She’s not better at all these things… she’s two years older. Gah.

But everyone is thriving on being a Big Sibling. (Or the baby is feeling thrilled about having Big People Who Care For Her.)

It’s not that everyone is perfectly happy in every moment. And the big kids bicker like whoa. They need to differentiate themselves and they aren’t all that polite about their process. I get it. I wish MC appreciated how much EC treats him like he treats Her Sweetness. EC does help MC. EC does slow down for MC. EC does give up some of her privileges as an older kid to hang back with him. But he’s angry that she needs to actively make those choices. It’s subconscious and maybe I’m reading the situation wrong. I do that sometimes.

But the two big kids have a hard time when the other wants space. They follow each other around all day… and alternate who is trying to leave. Like cats. They adore each other. They irritate the crap out of each other. I understand both emotions so much.

Right now they are rolling around like puppies. They are pulling hair and punching. I’ve checked in and they both said super loudly, “We had a negotiation. This is consensual.” Heh. Awkward.

This really is just another day in paradise. I really enjoy watching them interact. I’m having a lot of fun teaching them. We are getting through a lot of interesting material. They have boom and bust cycles on motivation… much like their parents… much like all the development books say they will… much like human beings do…

They are figuring out how to have separate friendships. They are figuring out how to keep their friends. (Slowly. It’s a process.)

We are all learning as we go. I think they will be able to learn without me when they are grown. Already EC says, “Mom? I haven’t cleaned enough for the internet but may I look up how to do _____ on youtube real quick because I don’t understand it and I don’t want to ask you to explain 15 times.” The thing could be math or history or drawing or coding or or or or or. She understands her needs in an ever growing way.

I usually say yes to this request. Cause duh.

MC isn’t to this point yet. And that feels developmental and right.

I’m enjoying that they are different and have different needs.

It’s so much more apparent with a third child in the mix. The way they talk to her and interact with her is so different.. They are where they are and I see it in their spontaneous utterances at the baby. In other places it is sometimes more murky. All in all…

I enjoy them. I can complain on any given day because I’m a controlling asshole. But I have really interesting people in my life. They try hard. They think about things. They make connections.

And I am the only normal they have ever known. That’s complicated.

That’s complicated because in many ways I really am a happy soul. I have kept on trucking and trying and growing through all kinds of shit that shuts other people down.

And I really really frequently do it smiling.

Ok sometimes I do it screaming. *cough*

Fuck. I’m torn between feeling like I am such a heinous asshole I don’t deserve to be here with these awesome people and realizing they wouldn’t be so god damn awesome without me.

That’s fascinating. It’s harder to hate myself with them as mirrors.

It makes me think very hard about the things my mother said to me. My children are not told that when they get married they will be that person’s whore forever without the right to say no. My children are told that they need to use their words. Things should not happen to their bodies without their active consent.

I’m hella annoying about checking in on stuff.

And it’s not that they are perfect; they aren’t. They are obnoxious as fuck. Are they rude? I’m not sure if I can judge.

But they make me proud.