Today I need to just… back off. I can’t hound Eldest Child about math any more. She will catch up when she catches up. Is she going to Disneyland? No. Will she get to explore Malaysia? Errrrrr, maybe a little. Will she be caught up by Christmas? Yes.

This is hard because when I have to go do fun things without her because she hasn’t done her bit… I feel… pain. It’s physical pain. I don’t want to be away from her. I feel like I am doing something wrong and bad and terrible and I never deserve love again because I am enjoying not being with her.

I’ve got some serious enmeshment shit going on.

This is part of why I say it is healthier for me to not have one child. Holy shit the enmeshment would be a real problem.

Having three kids means I need to go have fun with the other two. It needs to be part of life that we are not a pod 100% of the time regardless of the work that needs to be done. We all have work to do. We all have shit that if we don’t finish… we don’t get to go have fun. That’s life.

But it’s hard. It feels like a big nasty punishment when it’s really just a natural consequence.

Allowing my children to experience natural consequences feels like I failed as a parent to encourage/guide/help them be where they need to be. It feels like all my fault. But it isn’t.

If I treat her like she is doing something wrong when she fails to propel me to happiness… oh that’s all kinds of fucked up from top to bottom. I can’t do that. It would be wrong.

I can’t hurt my baby just because I’m sad I don’t get to have fun with her. Hi, fucked up dynamic much? But I am sad. This is hard. I will get over it, but that’s life. Life doesn’t give you what you want. Life is about coping with what you get anyway. I mean, I’m bitching about having to spend a day in Disneyland without my kid.

Shut up already, you fucking hag.

Sigh.

But I don’t like doing anything without her. It sucks. Everything is better when she is there.

Ok. Not everything. But most things!