I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to be a good mother. I want to have sex. I want to feel untethered. I want my fucking contractor to get back to me with the estimate he said I would have 14 days ago. I want to find the middle path. I want to stop yelling so much. I want to sleep more. I want to exercise every day instead of most days. I want to stop feeling like I am a terrible person all the god damn time. I want to feel like I am doing the right thing with my life.

I don’t.

I am terribly insecure about this home schooling shit. My children aren’t really having the boiler plate “standard American” childhood because I am literally incapable of providing it. I want to be able to help my children be ok.

I want to know what ok means.

I want to see all of my people.

I want to hide in my house and not see anyone for a few months.

I want to do ALL THE THINGS for Christmas. I want to not do anything at all.

I want to feel like what I do is good enough. I don’t.

I want to stop feeling like the best thing I could do for the planet is die.

I want to understand why my baby had to scream before sleeping tonight.

I want to have something I can do for myself that feels like a positive thing that isn’t eating sugar.

I want to write about appearance stuff. And trauma. And I want to read more. I’m so tired. My brain hurts.

I want to feel like a person with brain capacity. I want to be done with work for this lifetime. I want a new career. I want a graduate degree. I want to be taken seriously.

I won’t ever be taken seriously. What a joke.

I want to understand what the future needs from me.

I want.