I had dinner with a buddy’s family last night. The couple/grown ups are former students and I adore them. We haven’t gotten together in almost a year because of how overwhelming life has been. It was great seeing them.

They are getting ready to move out of state too. They are just done. I asked her if she feels a little bit mad at her friends and she was taken aback. For her, her friendships are what are carrying her through. I told her that I’m struggling with feeling a little bit mad at my friends. Not because they’ve done anything wrong, not because they deserve it. Because life is so hard and everyone I love has such a small amount to give. That’s feeling so hard. It feels like I don’t deserve to be around my friends because I am not solely overwhelmed with gratitude that people bother to see me at all. That’s a rough combination of feelings. I can tell I am to some degree avoiding people because it’s not ok for me to express my frustration.

I’m scared I will open my big stupid mouth and say something that reveals the frustration I feel.

I mean, I am losing one important relationship this year because I got angry about how I was being treated. That’s a lesson.

People don’t want my authentic self. I’m loud, aggressive, demanding, bitchy, and absolutely unwilling to compromise. Instead people want the high effort front I put on of being kind and gentle. Bah.

I feel like my end result of leaving the bay is knowing that no matter how hard I try I am not capable of fitting in to a group even if some of the people love me. I will always be the problem. I’m having really big feelings about always being the problem.

I feel pathetic that I still worry so fucking much about other people liking me or not. Grow the fuck up, already.

But this is part of the cycle. Me showing anger means I do not deserve friendship. I am not going to be capable of never showing anger. That means I deserve nothing, forever.

This is why Noah is so consciously tolerant of my anger. If I’m not allowed to be angry I’m not allowed to set boundaries and then I’ll just explode in other ways and that’s all bad. But it’s not great that he lets me get angry at him. I suspect “Must Be Respectful” as a rule slightly helps. It definitely restrains me from calling him an asshole more often.

Blah. Blurg.