I don’t feel like I did much yesterday. I went to PT and had a hard conversation in the morning. I fell and hurt myself on the way out. My arms are doing quite poorly today as a result of the fall.

Yesterday:

• PT exercises (yes these are up to a fucking hour)
• Went to PT (including driving this is a 2+ hour experience)
• Took the next pile of stuff for storage out to the van to clear space in the garage
• Did dishes and loaded the dishwasher (once? Twice?)
• Spent 2+ hours providing emotional support to the kids (puberty is sucking)
• Made breakfast (a deeeeeelicious scramble: eggs, garlic, butter, jalapeño, bell pepper, cherry tomatoes, ham. It was excellent.)
• More general tidying and shifting stuff around
• My online shit. Some of which feels like work and some doesn’t.

Why does that feel like a day where I did nothing? That simple list shows at least six hours of work and realistically many more. That’s not laziness.

My standards for myself are very unhealthy.

Today we have had two breakfasts already. I made the first: steel cut oats, apples, cinnamon, vanilla, and brown sugar with cream. Nom. Second breakfast was apple pie. mmmm

I need to do laundry again (I did five damn loads on Monday). Tidy the kitchen. Her Sweetness is teething. Top two front teeth are coming in and she’s an unhappy baby because of it. In between bursts of rain I should probably try to do a little bit in the yard.

I’m feeling sad and low and depressed. I am hurting a fair bit. I’m thinking about Sarah all the time. Usually I talk to her all the time so it makes sense. At first this break up was feeling almost like a relief (we put way too much on ourselves trying to be there for the other and having less that I feel I owe someone *is* a relief) but it’s feeling less of a relief already.

I will miss Sarah forever. But I seriously don’t know that we are capable of being healthy for one another. She needs a level of not-angry that I can’t provide given how much she promises and drops. That’s not a dynamic I can be in and be nice and healthy. I will fail. I will fail over and over and over. I get angry when I’m disappointed. That’s a fact. Sarah makes promises she can’t keep. That’s a fact. If I am not allowed to get angry with Sarah as part of the contract of our relationship then we can’t have a relationship. Because she can’t keep the promises she makes and I am not capable of not reaction.

So here we are. And it hurts like a motherfucker because I love her with all my heart and soul.

I can’t keep having someone tell me that they will do things for/with me and then tell me that I am just like their abusive mother when I’m upset about them flaking. Nope. Can’t have that in my life. I can’t be your proxy to be mad at your mother forever. I can’t. Just like it isn’t fair to be mad at you for being the latest person to make and break promises, like my mother.

Baggage is real, yo.

My friends tell me I take too much responsibility on myself. But that’s all I have control over. If something is all someone else’s fault the only lesson in the situation for me is “Avoid that person” and that’s not a great lesson in general. I want to know what I can do/change to have better outcomes in the future.

I can’t ever let myself fall in love this hard with someone inconsistent again. Not because they aren’t worthy or lovable. Sarah is worthy and lovable in the extreme. She’s great. She’s a wonderful, fantastic person and I admire her deeply.

But we aren’t compatible and that’s really hard.

I’ve been worrying a lot about how this is going to impact my relationships with Pam and Jenny. Will I pull away because I’m afraid of leaning on people? Will I lean too hard and break the bond? Mostly I’m not reaching out because I’m afraid that absolutely any action on my part will be the wrong one. That’s hard. That’s scary.

My tripod of support lost a leg. What do I do about that now?

I have to be selfish about this to a degree. I have a lot of support to provide in this life. I need to figure out how to support myself enough to provide the support I have agreed to. That’s reality.

I love Sarah. That’s not going to change.

How do I get up and start walking away from this wound and focusing on the people who are still here? That’s hard.

My arms hurt so bad. My elbows and wrists and upper arms and shoulders are all aching really badly.

We have approximately 5ish weeks until we put the house on the market. I do not have the mental nor physical energy to chase all the hundreds of people I know in the bay area. If you want to see us before we go… it would be wise to reach out. Or you won’t see us before we go. Cause that’s how the cookie crumbles.

I love you. It’s not about lack of love.

I just… I’m trying to pull in the pieces of me that I have flung to the wind. I’m trying to sew them up into a canopy that will slow my fall as I jump off this cliff. I want to survive this jump and that’s going to need a well sewn canopy. I’m going to need every piece of me back that I can get back.

And that means I need to stop begging people to love me.