I am not sure how I feel. I keep going between happy and sad and joyful and miserable and angry. I have so many feelings about everyone and everything in my life. My kids. My husband. My friends. Noah’s parents.

Noah is a really great partner. But he’s a human being so he gets on my nerves at times. When that happens I struggle with dealing with the fact that I am cranky and upset about him being on my nerves and I feel completely like an asshole because he’s so nice. He’s so bleepin nice to me. It would be absolutely unreasonable for me to expect or demand more from a partner. He’s unreal.

So I feel really bad when he is irritating me. I need to stop feeling irritated. I need to not be bitchy to the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I go back and forth in my head. Are my kids the best thing that have ever happened to me or is Noah? I couldn’t have the kids without Noah so that implies strongly that he is the ultimate best thing that has happened to me. But I try to be honest with myself. I would not try as hard for just him as I do for the kids. I owe the kids in a way I don’t owe him. Even if he is the best.

I love him. I want him. I’m grateful for him.

I need to not owe him though. That’s a really toxic dynamic for us. We tried that for years. We tried so hard to focus on what I owe Noah so that I could keep my energy up and do all of the things we both wanted me to negotiate that I would do.

Owing him makes me hate him. Owing him is tied up with all of the sex stuff that is so broken from my father. I owe all men sex. But Noah wants me to be something different to/with him and that means I need to not owe him.

It’s weird talking to my physical therapist about sex. She has expressed 10+ times that she is really appreciating the way I have boundaries and the way I respect her time and attention. She is not a sex therapist. She is not a therapist. But in order to make progress on my pelvic floor I have to be able to talk to her about my pussy in a way that is complicated and layered and really personal.

Increased functionality means for me that I tear less from sex. Increased functionality means not bleeding or having burning pain in my vagina.

But I can have that if I just drop my sex frequency to like once a month and I tell Noah to not last very long during sex.

But then our sex life isn’t very fulfilling or bonding.

Ok. What is most important for us to enjoy sex together? Is it about a long time of penetration? Is it frequency of penetration? Is it about mutual orgasm? Is it about the skin time?

And I typed for 8 minutes instead of 5. Gotta go.