I am seriously struggling with how much the kids don’t want me to write about them any more. It makes sense. They are allowed to not want all their business on the internet. But I’m with them just about 24/7. Effectively that means I’m not allowed to write about myself much anymore because I don’t have that many interactions in a day that are not 100% centered around them. This is feeling really hard.

Trying to figure out how to talk to people about why I am leaving is tricky. I don’t want to make people feel bad or rejected or inadequate. Folks are generous with me. Folks share what they can. But I’ve had to carefully construct a web of hundreds of people in order to get a small fraction of the support and attention I want. I can no longer deal with having to go to that many people to get my needs met because everyone has so little going spare.

It’s kind of like the difference between moving the beehive around or expecting the bee to travel through an entire forest to pollinate. I need to move my beehive. I’m tired. I can’t keep traveling this far to get what I need from folks. The bay area is too spread out. The distance is brutal. In the bay there is always at least 3 things competing for folks’ time and attention. It’s too big and too much.

Which doesn’t mean people are doing anything wrong. Just that this is no longer the place for me.

Three weeks till we list the house for sale.

I want to write about home schooling stuff and what I’m doing and why. But I don’t have permission.

It’s hard not to feel angry and irritated and fussy. My kids talk over me all day long. They constantly tell me that I’m wrong about everything (WHEN I’M FUCKING RIGHT). They correct my language. And I’m not allowed to write about my life anymore.

I’m having some fucking feelings.