The last couple of days have gone just a tiny bit better. I’m trying so hard to get some more pause in my brain so I’m not getting upset at the kids. I have been wearing the airbuds and telling my family that I can’t hear them sometimes. It helps.

I need space inside my head where I am not on duty. I need to have time where I am not required to be listening to and responding to my children. I need it or I’m going to fail. I need space to just be me and not a mommy-unit.

It’s hard not having childcare. I have mixed feelings about asking the big kids to play with the baby. I feel like I am… cheating somehow. I won’t leave them alone in the house but sometimes I get to go to the bathroom alone. Tonight I went and did the vaginal dilation with the big kids watching her. That goes really well.

Sometimes I feel like the big kids feeling competent enough to take care of her is the best thing that could have happened to our dynamic. They both love feeling mature and responsible. I feel like this is so good for all of us. I hope I’m not screwing it all up.

I’m trying a new thing with the kids and school work. I have not managed the last academic term well. I was….overly influenced by my pedagogy training. I forgot all of the unschooling perspectives I have worked so hard for. That year with the charter school messed up my priorities like whoa. “This is mandatory.” “Yeah you are the only family who complied.” WHAT IS THE POINT OF PUBLIC  SCHOOL. What is the point of learning? What is education?

So the kids are being given more freedom with the screen and I am saying, “Have you gotten everything done you want to get done?” at intervals and the kids are doing more playing than they have done in a very long time. More than six months I’d say. And they are making forward progress at a better clip than they have managed in a long time. They need to play. I have been so dogmatically focused  on work that I am creating problems.

What I love about home schooling is this is my fault. My responsibility. If it goes well, go me! If it goes poorly: Krissy… get it together….

Sigh. We all need to play more and I feel like I am having such a hard time making play the priority again. I feel like the kids hit academic age and I practically want to shove them in the equivalent of an academic sweat shop. WORK HARDER. WHY DO YOU PAUSE. YOU MUST LEARN MORE. Uhhhh that’s not going to work very well. But it’s what I’ve been doing for over a year. Shit.

It helps that we have just a little bit of time left. 32 days till we are out of the house. It’s sold. That stress is over. The amount of stuff we have left is just not a big deal. We got two postcards in the mail today announcing thrift pickups on our street. Two of them in the next two weeks. What excellent timing. I think that’ll be most of what is left.

We have seven pieces of furniture left to get rid of: metal shelves, coffee table, armoire, standing desk, and the last three Ikea pieces (the glass cabinet holding our dishes, the dresser, and the last cube bookcase). The mattresses will go in the bulk garbage pickup that’s happening the day after we leave. We don’t have much kitchen stuff left. It’s going in waves.

I did practice packing today. All of our clothes, toiletries, school supplies, art supplies, kitchen stuff, and games. 208 pounds split between 7 bags. Not too awful because they’d be willing to let us have 400 pounds of stuff in 8 bags. I will be packing two big sturdy maximum-carry-on-size-that-can-still-be-checked so that if we want an 8th bag we have it. (And an extra carry on option for the future.) It’s a lot of shit and a fair bit of it will be used up and not replenished any time soon. I think we literally have about 20 pounds of art gear. And that’s a winter and a summer wardrobe for all of us. Including big jackets so that we don’t die in Scotland.

Carry ons are not packed yet. We each have a backpack. Eldest Child has a small purse that she tucks into her backpack. Middle Child has a rolling backpack (his school books are way too  heavy for him to carry) and a cute satchel we can’t bear to give away. Her Sweetness just gets a diaper bag. I carry my backpack and purse. Noah gets his backpack. I’m debating if we want to bring the stroller. We do use it a fair bit and it saves my back. There are other bags we bring empty just in case.

That’s 14 bags when we are permitted 17. I will have the extra 3 with us. Two big totes and a backup back pack that packs down like a grocery bag.

Of course I travel with reusable grocery bags as well.

I carry so much shit. But I can fix so many situations. My medicine cabinet is fierce. I can handle a lot of problems on no notice.

Still a daunting list of tasks in front of me. But the only thing I have scheduled for this weekend is massage so I should be able to knock a lot of it out. Work work work.

Ok. It’s past 8. I need to get my butt in bed.