I feel like I’m really spinning my wheels here. I don’t know what I have been out here in this valley. I don’t understand it. I don’t know what this life has meant. What was the purpose of it? Was there connection? I’m in that forever place in my head where it feels like the emotion that I am experiencing right now is the only emotion that has ever existed.

I mean, I know there was connection. It’s just been a while. I have been hiding for a long time now. I’m not really talking to people very much. I am flailing at a few people online kind of sorta. I am not in a room with very many people that do not share my last name.

I don’t know how to be in the room anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m allowed to say. I feel wrong all the time. I feel like my choices are wrong. I feel like my behavior is wrong. How dare I judge? How dare I have opinions about anyone or anything? I feel like I am living inside of Prince How Dare You.

I don’t even fully understand why am crying right now. There’s so much and so little.I was talking to middle child earlier about the upcoming hop we have in Hawaii. He is very excited because we are going to stay near our old neighbors. The parents of the former babysitter. We will see them and we will see the babysitter a little bit. But I had to caution him not to expect to see them very much. I need to set his expectations appropriately. People will tell you that they want to see you, then they don’t show up. I don’t know how to deal with flakiness right now. I think I need to do a lot less caretaking for a few years.

I am really struggling with the way that people perceive me as an ATM. It’s complicated having money right now. Everybody needs money. Except for me. I have enough. But I don’t think that I will be giving five digit loans to white guys right now. I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think that feels like taking care of myself.

That’s feeling like more exploitation.

I give money to women, particularly to Black women but also women of many other races because that feels like taking care of me. They also aren’t loans. Dad did pay back the last loan, and he did it early while paying interest. I can’t do it again. Not right now. I feel so bad. If I gave him the money I would feel worse about myself. I would feel like I was buying his love.

Buying peoples love has failed for me recently. I am torn between planning to use the DVC points as something that I can give away as random vacations to strangers or selling it. It hurts. Disneyland feels so poisoned at this point. Between my mother and her. I don’t have to make this decision soon. I also don’t have to go back soon.

That’s not exactly essential to life.

We are going to take the headgear brackets off of eldest child. The cost of flying her back to the bay area every three months is significantly higher than paying for a second set of braces. I started looking into the flights and stuff. Our lifestyle is going to be extravagant enough. One less tie. And besides all of our dentists are out of our network and we have to pay a whole lot of extra for them. It’s not like they are so good that they are worth it. Not without the old dentist who used to watch over me. Without him there’s really no point in a surcharge. He was great. I miss him. Even my cool dental hygienist has retired. I don’t really want to get to know the young people who are three times as expensive.

I don’t begrudge them a living. This valley is ridiculous. But I’m moving on.

Two people today have asked me if I think people are pulling away out of self protection because I am moving. How would I be able to tell? Folks pulled away years ago. Maybe it was the road trip? I’m not sure. We kick to the throat sure did a number on me. I have felt electrically uncomfortable sense. It was a reminder; some of us are waste people. If we are killed it doesn’t matter. As long as it doesn’t inconvenience a rich white boy.

Noah tells me that I want to get rid of racism, meaning institutionalized bigotry and systematic disadvantage, and replace it with casual bigotry. That’s probably true.

I got into an argument I shouldn’t have gotten into today. I was standing around waiting for the plane to takeoff and I talked to the flight attendant. I was stupid. I mentioned the idiot white boys who were rude. She started going off at great length about how they have the right to their opinion and they have the right to protest and she works for a nonprofit so she knows that lots of girls are out getting abortions for fun and she thinks that’s not OK. I almost exploded. Fuck you. Your right to an opinion should end at the minute it crosses the line into wanting to control what I do with my body. Fuck you. And I couldn’t leave. I did walk away and stand at the far side of the gate. I don’t need to listen to that bullshit. I really don’t.

I try to draw comfort from my massage therapist being way less bigoted than she used to be. It’s not much. Dealing with her makes my life better because I am in less pain and I would really like it if she was less of an asshole. She no longer makes racist statements in front of me. I am not sure if that means she doesn’t think them as much or not. I cannot tell. She might just be exercising tact. But she’s also espousing more liberal and even occasionally progressive points of use. She’s trying. In my last few weeks I’m trying to talk her into poking her brother about how badly he treats her. Her brother pisses me off. I’m glad I’m leaving. We’re really a little too codependent. I suck.

How am I going to learn how to cope with my overwhelming attraction for obese hoarder women? I like them. It’s a thing for me. I feel comfortable. Clearly they have the kind of issues that I am going to be able to get along with. I’m going to feel comfortable. I’m going to feel useful. I am going to feel like I have something to offer. I need to start picking people because they are convenient projects for me. I think I do. I don’t think that’s good. I like being a fixer. I like being a helper.

I never want to give that attention to me. I’m following the fine example of my mother. Anyone but Krissy.

I don’t exactly feel suicidal, because I don’t have a plan and I don’t have any intention to kill myself. It is weird feeling really intensely in my belly but if I didn’t have kids today probably wouldn’t see you tomorrow. I am not going to hurt myself tonight. I have three children.

I was talking with middle child about Hawaii. He said that we were going there to see our friends. I said no we aren’t. I said we are going there because we want to go sit on the beach for a month. Because we want to be there together. Because I want to watch him play in the water. Because I want to watch him tan and feel joy while swimming. I’m not considering moving to Hawaii. I honestly don’t believe that white people should live in Hawaii but that’s a whole Nother topic.

This colonization shit is complicated. I don’t really know what my place in it should be. But I’m trying really hard to find somewhere to be where I don’t feel like I’m doing something wrong just by standing there. I don’t know what all elements go together to combine to help me feel like I am electrically uncomfortable. But I am. I have been for a long time. It’s so many things. That fucking smug grin on that little white asshole. I’ve seen that grin. I wanted to break his nose. I see that grin all around me.

I’m grown up now. I didn’t really anticipate being this person. I don’t know if I like her or not. She’s quieter than I thought she would be. She is way less interested in finding friends. I have a family. I understand a lot more of why other people have never treated me like I was important. They had families. I am so sad. Almost 26 days to go. Just 2.5 more hours.

Holy shit.

We had a great chat tonight about ADD. I have been kind of retreating over the last few days. I’m really overwhelmed and I’m trying not to take it out on anybody. Middle child has a hard time with that. Any withdrawal feels like a rejection. I told him that part of the reason we tested him for ADD was to see if he was going to need to learn the kinds of skills that I am trying to teach his sister. I have this problem where I’m like a zoo animal. I get bored and I break shit and I hurt myself. I tend to find that if I’m doing only 90 things I’m really bored but if I’m doing like 93 or 94 things I’m really overwhelmed and I feel like I am about to cry and I want to twitch. The exact calibration of perfect mental stimulation is really hard to get. And I’m still trying to learn how to do that. Nobody talk to me about that when I was a kid. I’m just trying to really understand what it means now. That’s why I’m trying to help my kids figure it out earlier so that it’s easier for them. He was very happy to hear that it’s probably going to be easier for his brain than it is for mine.

I am feeling so insecure. I have no tradition to lean back on. I am not doing things because it is the way it is done. I am being vain and full of hubris and who the hell am I to think that I know the right things. But nobody knows. There are so many different traditions because none of them are right for everyone.

No tradition is right for everyone.

I’m tired of feeling disappointed and that’s a really bad place for me to be. I get really nasty. More likely to pick a fight with everyone because if some people are hurting me then it might as well be everyone and if you aren’t automatically hurting me well I can be nasty until you want to. I feel like I’m in that place where I believe that everybody who “values” me also hurts me so I am almost physically in capable of hearing anything that happens from any other point of view. I have been let down recently. That is true. That doesn’t mean that everyone I know has done so. But it’s really hard right now. I feel like I don’t know who to trust. I really feel sick.

Because the thing is, I can create the problem all by myself over in my own brain. Because if I develop expectations of people that are inappropriate then I will be let down. That’s a fact. And then I will feel like people are not deserving of trust. Even if there was no communication of any expectation whatsoever. I’m feeling like I don’t know how to negotiate for anything. Because for quite some time now I’ve been trying to negotiate in good faith and I’ve been really not negotiated with in good faith.

You know how people say that poly folks are good at communication? I’ll believe it when I see it.

OK, now she called! I feel better about that chunk.

In retrospect I should have understood how big of a problem was growing when I knew more and more that I was not allowed to write about my constant disappointment in her behavior. It’s complicated being a writer. I can’t write about everybody. There are a lot of boundaries and permission steps to deal with.

If I’m feeling constant disappointment in somebody that’s a problem anyway.

Not sure what to do about it. I don’t tend to feel a little less somebody is making promises and breaking them. But I was doing the same thing it’s not all her. It was definitely not all her. Fuck

I am really enjoying the talk to text through the WordPress app on my phone. My computer is in being repaired. I am laying on the heated bathroom floor. My legs are up on the snowy mountain. It’s a nice stretch. And it’s heat on my back. My doctors keep telling me to put heat on my back.

When I can’t sleep there is usually a reason.

I think she knew I was setting this up. She kept giving me warnings. I didn’t do it on purpose. It was a perfect storm of personality flaws.

What does it mean to be a friend? If you stop telling someone the truth are you still friends? What is the truth?

If I were to spend my time and my energy selfishly, what would that mean? Mostly it means I hang out with my kids and Noah. I am allowed to take care of them and they are allowed to take care of me. There’s none of this nonsense about how unhealthy it is for me to want to support people. And whereas there is an element of ATM in the totality, yeah. When you have kids they treat you like an ATM and that is appropriate. It feels different. They are also under 18. And not asking for $25,000.

This is feeling like my cousin asking me to take her with us as we travel. Noah asked me if she is serious. Yes, she is serious. She is serious that she wants me to pay for her coming with us. Will she actually show up? Well, that will depend on the day. And I will be expected to pick up the check for whatever modifications must be made as time goes by. Will she do the work she negotiates for? Well, she says she always has in the past. Except for that time that I bought her a plane ticket and then send her extra money so she could go buy an ID 48 hours before the flight because she didn’t have one. And then she didn’t get on the plane. So. Fool me once.

I really could go on and on and on. I’m tired. I think I’m going to be selfish for a bit. Being helpful doesn’t make people actually love me more.