Yesterday when I checked in with the kids about kneeling on rice they were positive and said that they thought it was effective and they wanted to continue. When I checked in with them this morning… they had a different opinion. And Dana is saying I am basically spanking them.

Fuck me.

It’s awesome how easy it is to tell me I am wrong and what I am doing is bad but there aren’t concrete positive solutions suggested.

And this is why I spend so much time feeling like I should just kill myself because I will never be able to do anything right. Because this doesn’t just work this way with school shit. This feels like all of my fucking life since I was a little fucking kid. Just do it right, Krissy. Why are you so stupid and you keep doing it wrong?

No one wants to help. No one wants to tell me what to do. They just want to tell me I am wrong.

I didn’t pick this curriculum for the kids, they picked it for themselves. We discussed what goals they wanted to reach, we talked about what that path would look like and then they picked the books they wanted to do to reach it.

But they are kids. And they picked incredibly lofty goals that not many people actually end up wanting to reach. Thus I get to be the fucking bully all day trying to force them to do shit they don’t actually care about.

I mean, it’s not true that no one wants to tell me what to do. I get completely opposing advice: “Stop schooling them at all! Let them play all day or you are a monster who is crushing their spirit!” (CPS defines that as abuse.) “Put them in school!” (I have received medical advice that it would be detrimental to my daughter’s mental health. My son would probably do better except for that whole trans thing where schools tend to beat on trans kids and many of them end up suicidal and he has a strong family history of suicide so that’s a serious worry for us.)

Great.

So the end result is: “Why don’t you sit next to them 24 hours a day gently and kindly guiding them through every single detail of everything so they never have to have an uncomfortable feeling or struggle.”

Ok. But I am disabled and my body is going to fail if I do that. Great. That will serve everyone well.

I have to stop screaming. To me, that is the most important goal right now. I am hurting them and myself and I don’t want to be this person.

Moving isn’t what caused this. It has been happening since last August, before we decided to move.

I am having ongoing conversations with multiple teachers (they have specialties ranging from preschool to college), I’m talking to a horse trainer. I’m trying to listen to the guidance we got from their therapists.

And no matter what I try I am still wrong and bad.

You had no interest in helping when that was something you could have done. You just want to tell me I am wrong.

Ok.

You told me you would reach out and be a source of support. But that turned out to not be convenient for you.

Ok.

Yeah. That’s life.

Yes, I want people to help me with course corrections. I do. But that isn’t what is happening. If you have nothing to offer beyond criticism, that’s not the same thing as helping me. If you tell me that you will interact with my children to be helpful and then you never bother…

I am so fucking angry.