I was homeless and poor throughout my childhood. Foster parents, my mother, and schools all told me that if I didn’t act right CPS would be called. I was supposed to be pattern matching my behavior off of all of the untraumatized (also, neurotypical) people around me and if I failed I would be put in kid jail because I wasn’t fit for society. I cannot remember a time before that fear was deliberately implanted in my psyche.

When I was 3 my mom was working nights and she left my 16 year old sister in charge of me. My sister was as good at meeting her promises as Sarah so she left me home alone and went to a party with her friends. I was bored. I decided to go get some Barbie stickers from Safeway. I had three pennies. I thought I was rich. I walked to Safeway.

On the way someone who happened to work for CPS drove by and saw me. She picked me up and took me to the business office. I remember playing with the manual type writers and having a great time. They gave me cookies and juice.

When my mom picked me up she looked exhausted, but she tried to look happy. She laughed as she explained the “mix up”. “You know how hard it is to keep some kids contained!”

In the car she hit me over and over. She told me that those were the special kid-police. If I was ever bad again they would pick me up again and she wouldn’t be allowed to get me because I would be in kid-jail forever. She said no one likes bad kids and I will be punished for years by them. She listed all the bad things that would happen to me in kid jail and she was very clear that I would deserve all of it. She practically frothed at the mouth as she told me how embarrassed she was to have such a stupid, bad kid.

For the next 13 years any time I would say or do anything she didn’t like she would tell me that CPS was going to come and get me if I disobeyed her. “If you are too much for me to handle you are going to kid-jail. Keep back talking, Kristine.” In between slapping me across the face.

Then I grew up. I watched other families go through nightmare situations with CPS and I saw people go through months or years of painful separation. In all of the cases I knew… I was totally aware that what was happening to me was worse than what was happening in the families I knew who were separated. None of those kids were raped by their dads how I was. My mom barely fed me and those kids got meals on the regular. Those kids lived with parents who weren’t perfect… mostly they pissed off a neighbor and then their lives got really hard.

My family was monstrous. And no one cared.

Then I started ODing because I needed the fuck out. So I got put in a lock down psych ward where people strapped me to tables and injected me with drugs (that gave me negative side effects!) because I was so bad. Then I was put in a group home where I was never allowed to be in a bathroom without a staff member staring at me to prevent me from harming myself. I wasn’t allowed to go to school because I couldn’t be trusted. My mom was right. When I was going in and out of consciousness in the hospital my mom leaned in and whispered, “I tried to warn you this would happen if you were bad. You shouldn’t have been so bad.”

Then I became a teacher and mandated reporter. I tried to change my view of CPS. I called a few times on kids were clearly being abused and I prayed the system would be more gentle with them than me.

CPS didn’t do anything to help any of the students that were coming to me with huge bruises. Nothing.

CPS didn’t do anything to help when I called because my sister was handing out illegal drugs and alcohol to a bunch of middle and high school students. My sister lied and laughed it off as a family squabble with no grain of truth. They believed her because my family is mostly made up of excellent liars.

Then I became a parent and started hanging out on parenting forums. Holy shit the stories I have read. Oh. My. God.

Then my kids did something I truly wish they hadn’t done. It came out of fucking no where. They have not seen such behavior EVER in their lives. They have never been exposed to the idea of that being acceptable I HAVE STOOD THERE AND MADE FUCKING SURE THEY HAVE NEVER BEEN INFLUENCED BY ADULTS WHO SAY SUCH BEHAVIOR IS ACCEPTABLE. But kids do shit. They have since the dawn of time. I put my kids in therapy. ALL the therapy. They each had individual counselors and we worked with a family therapist for quite a while. *I* called CPS and said “A thing happened and I don’t know what to do.”

That phone call was the best CPS contact of my whole life. The lady told me that since I was a concerned parent she was turning the recorder off. She did NOT want to know my name. She said I deserve complete privacy for this call and no one will ever be able to track me. She listened to what happened. She asked me what I was doing about it. She told me that they offer people access to resources I already have in my house: my library sounds better than hers. She told me that I was a good mother because I had already responded with such enthusiasm to them needing outside help and there was nothing more she could suggest. She told me she was sorry I had 100% normal kids who had to try something because it’s hard. I am so grateful for that woman.

Then, after we had been in therapy as a family someone fucking called CPS on me. They had no details. They just believed there had been hand wavey some kind of sexual abuse.

Someone fucking turned me into CPS with absolutely no idea of what had happened. It wasn’t a report from the therapists WHO COULD HAVE GIVEN EVERY FACT AND EVENT IN EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.

So yeah. I know that people can call CPS on me.

CPS cleared us. Clearly we (the parents) hadn’t done anything wrong and kids make mistakes sometimes and we were working as hard as we could on helping them learn how to do better. There literally isn’t more we can do. We are doing absolutely the limit of what parents can do to try and help their kids learn how to do better.

I asked a bunch of teachers for advice on how to help my kids focus. Kneeling on rice was tossed out there as something to try.

But hey someone could call CPS on me. Like I had no idea that was a possibility no matter what I do or don’t do.

My stomach hurts. Getting to rewrite this stuff to try and explain why I am upset so that maybe people won’t be angry with me forever for not taking their off hand comment as neutral…

That hurts too.

How dare I have had my life experiences. How dare I get upset when things that have been used as a torment since I was 3 years old are casually mentioned as punishment again.

Other people don’t see it that way. Clearly, I should just get over it.