I go in cycles. After 34 years in therapy my clinicians do not think I have bipolar disorder. But I do get into hyper-intense work states (now they are saying it is because of ADHD + Autism) and then I wear my body out (thank you HPA axis dysfunction + CFS) causing me intense pain (EDS + Arthritis+Fibromyalgia) + when I can’t work I feel like all of my value as a meat creature goes away (PTSD+GAD+Depression) and I have a hard time letting myself rest enough so that I restore vitality.

And when I get back on my monthly cycle I have hormonal dips 10 days before every period (PMDD) where I am suicidal and I hate myself.

So I’m not bipolar. That happens on its own cycle and I don’t seem to react to that.

I have trauma anniversaries that trigger depression, but not manic responses. But those are getting better over time. Not standing in one place waiting to feel like shit that I can’t repair things with my family helps.

I got into a terrible work cycle with my kids. Then I had another baby. I am exhausted to the marrow of my bones. The people who told me they would help me lied (as usual) causing all kinds of emotional damage on top of the physical damage I did to myself by giving long past the point when I should have let my kids sit in a room and cry if they need to while I fucking sleep.

But the past is the past. No more infants.

How do I learn how to build sustainable work instead of sprinting? What are these vaunted ADHD Life Skillz I’m supposed to already have so I can teach them to my daughter?

Oh fuck me.