There are a lot of people who have never betrayed me in any way. They have been consistent, reliable, and trustworthy. Do you know what they don’t do? Make promises about who they will be to my children. They don’t tell me that they will be my family. They tell me “I like you and I have about 3 hours a month/year/whatever I can devote to talking to you in the overall scheme of my life.”
The number of letters and postcards I write is testimony to the people who have always been honest and wonderful to me.
I address those people one on one and express my gratitude for their behavior directly. I don’t write about them on my blog as much. Writing about people is complicated. I tend to feel like people need to opt-in to being discussed and I don’t ask a lot of my friends for such permission. So I tell them privately how much I appreciate them and I talk shit about the people who upset me in my blog because if you fuck with me… I don’t care that much about your privacy.
And many of the people I am trying to work through my feelings about… haven’t betrayed me. But they have hurt me. I need to figure out how I want to change myself because of those injuries: some small and some large.
Like: Dad hasn’t actually betrayed me. He has been a bit of a user and he’s kinda selfish… but that’s not a betrayal. I am trying to figure out how I can set my expectations of him as a friend so that I am not hurt by him being kind of selfish. When I meet his new girlfriends I always warn them that he is a truly wonderful person who will always take care of himself first. Many of those girlfriends have come back and thanked me years later because…. I was right. That isn’t the same thing as betrayal. I still spend time with him. I love him very much. I really enjoy his company and the time we spend together. But I need to not act like he is my father and I do not owe him what a father is owed.
Sometimes as I try to figure out how to correct my behavior I am rather melodramatic. It’s my fucking journal.
The thing is… the friends I had in the bay were mostly moving away or they lived far enough away that seeing them was literally hurting my body.
I can move somewhere that is more concentrated and build another community for myself. I am infinitely capable of doing so. I need to get through this shitty depression and find my verve again.
The older I get the more that I know these things cycle through. I won’t always feel how I have been feeling.
I feel that grieving my relationship with Sarah hard is appropriate and respectful given the length and intensity. I don’t wish her ill. I don’t want her to suffer. I just need to stop being in a relationship with her because I am codependent as fuck and I am damaging myself for her.
That’s not even her fault.
I am trying to get better at boundaries.
And part of that means trying to feel like this family is enough. If you think that is an approach you judge…
Why do you need to come to my journal and tell me that? Am I coming to your house and shoving my decisions in your face?