The first two days we were here I felt such a reduction in anxiety it was startling and odd. My family commented on how very calm I was. The trees help. The intense politeness and helpfulness really impact me. It’s beautiful here. Japan was never on my list of places to visit and now I feel like visiting here again would be ok. We are really enjoying the food (even though I have violent diarrhea).

The bad is that this morning I woke up and freaked out at the kids for being my kids; they are messy like whoa and this is a place that has basically no tolerance for that. When we eat they spill food everywhere and I’m having panic attacks as I watch them drip orange juice all over the place while they peel fruit. When EC dropped food on the rug (after I asked them 15 times NOT TO EAT ON THE RUG) I just about flipped my shit. These are not our possessions. You don’t get to ruin them.

I have been incredibly patient with how destructive my kids are. I haven’t punished them. I haven’t shamed them. I don’t treat them poorly for being clumsy and rough with stuff. The house in Hawaii was not well maintained so if we made a mess you couldn’t tell the difference from when we arrived anyway. Here it is different.

We are only eating one meal a day in the place we are renting because I think I would freak the fuck out if we tried seriously cooking all meals here. And we can get incredibly tasty well rounded meals for 4 people for about $15-$20. Why cook in a tiny space when that is the alternative? It’s not as expensive as we usually spend on groceries…. (So that’s good.)

When we went out yesterday and had to walk across the city we did our normal greet everyone thing. Holy tomato sauce was it different. Probably two dozen or so people acknowledged us with a smile, nod, or return greeting. One notable guy stopped in the mall (we needed warm baby clothing) and said a very excited “Hello!” I think he was thrilled to speak English and I get it, man. Most people treated us like we were ghosts. They didn’t acknowledge that we exist. That was hard on Eldest Child in particular. She felt very upset by being ignored. She’s not used to that. And then there were the 15-20ish people who were hostile or mocking. That was hard for her. For me it felt like a blast to the past when I was visibly white trash moving all over the place. I have had a lot of people sneer at me. This wasn’t more severe than I’ve had in the past. It wasn’t as bad for me as when we were in Virginia visiting friends on the road trip and neighbors called the police on us for being vagrants. Awesome. At least here they just give me a dirty look and move on with their day.

I broke down and bought ibuprofen because my head has been hurting so badly. Back pain, hand pain, arm pain, hip pain, knee pain, leg pain, foot pain…. I can ignore. I am a masterful dissociator. When my head hurts so badly that I can’t think or see properly… I don’t do ok. I feel vicious and mean and unable to cope. So I got some pain meds. Ahhhh blissful relief from headache pain with a normal dose. That’s why I don’t use pain meds almost ever. I need them to work when it is an emergency. I do wish my neck would relax a bit more. That’s not helping my head.

I need a massage and I’m not sure when I will be able to make that happen.

I completely reorganized our room today to make it easier to deal with the bedding and stuff. I think it will be easier going forward. *cross fingers*

I also had a long chat with the kids (hissed with venom because yelling here would be so embarassing) about why the food needs to be contained in the teeny tiny claustrophobic kitchen. It is not easy to eat here. But this is what we have for now.

Maybe if I put the camp towels down on the floor over the rug while we eat? Maybe in multiple layers?

That’s probably worth investigating.

I need to do laundry. That’s the afternoon task.

I figured out that if we put our bed mats on the floor… the heated rug makes quite a toasty bed! Well… it’s warm enough that Her Sweetness sleeping in socks, a long sleeved onesie, flannel jammies, a blanket over wrap, under a blanket next to me is only chilly to the touch instead of feeling like an icicle. I am sleeping fully dressed in multiple layers. The big kids are sleeping in a full set of day clothes and their jackets under a comforter. We are forking freezing in the 40F weather. I lost my long johns and one of my long sleeved shirts and I am so pissed at myself. I went through every bag looking. There is no chance of replacing them in this country where my 10 year old is bigger than most adults. Thank goodness for my flannel lined jeans.

Her Sweetness is in that stage where she can’t be kept off of electronics so we got her a little Fisher Price phone to play with. It will teach her Japanese, which feels fun.

There’s a lot to appreciate here. I am enjoying it a lot. But this could never be home.