I’m reading a book about CPTSD. The author says that it is important to be in touch with all of your feelings, but it’s not ok to display anger in unhealthy ways. Just reading that sentence makes me cry because I don’t think I understand what an “acceptable” way to display anger is. I mean, I know I can’t call names. I know I can’t scream and shout and break things. But mostly my experience is that when I try to set boundaries without flipping out… either someone else flips out to try and stop me from expressing what I’m expressing or they just ignore me.

Many months before Sarah and I broke up I told her in a face to face conversation that I thought it would be a good idea to walk back many of the promises she was making because she seemed to be having trouble keeping them. She assured me that she was going to keep them thank you for reminding her.

That didn’t increase how reliable she was at all. It didn’t increase the attention she paid to my kids. She did tell me that when I wrote about her failures it made her not want to try at all since I was publicly shaming her. So I stopped writing about her as much. That didn’t help either. I am fucked no matter how I try to fix it.

My needs suck. My needs make me hate myself and hate other people. Because if I have a need I can’t fix on my own it just won’t get met and I can go fuck myself.

A bunch of former neighbors keep emailing me. On one hand that’s really nice. On the other hand, they are emailing me because they want me to tell them how to fix problems in their life because I am no longer wandering the neighborhood being helpful. “Where do I buy this?” “How can I fix x problem with the DMV?” “That thing you made for me–how do I make it?”

I mean… it’s nice that they think I’m so competent? But I feel absolutely terrible. I’m in a new very constrained environment trying to figure out how to meet basic needs for my family. All food acquisition happens with me walking a fair distance. Eldest Child hasn’t been up for our normal walking because she bloody keeps falling down and hurting herself. (I think she is growing and her center of balance is off. She does this every so often. But I can’t just drive her around until this is fixed again like I could in California.)

I am struggling to meet my own needs. Why don’t I just take time out of my day to fix all y’alls problems too…

People on the internet keep telling me that I shouldn’t give to people if I have any expectation of getting anything back. I should only give when I can do so from a spirit of generosity not needing anything back from the person.

Then I should never have bought DVC. Then I shouldn’t ever respond to any of these emails. Then quite a few of my “friends” are people I should stop contacting ever again.

Because I do want things back from them. And that makes me bad.

Having unmet needs that I can’t fix for myself makes me bad.

I had a good chat with Eldest Child today about feelings and protecting each other. We talked about how sometimes I am too hard on her and she feels like she can’t tell me that I am hurting her. I said that is a major problem that we need to fix because it’s not ok for my child to be absorbing my pain. She said she doesn’t want to upset me. I told her that if I am hurting her then I need to be upset with myself and I need to change. She said she feels really bad upsetting me. I suggested writing me letters so she doesn’t need to see my reaction. She said she will try it.

I don’t need people to treat me like I never do anything wrong. But I am so bad at setting boundaries without being angry. I am just ignored.

It’s like with Noah and the sex stuff. I tried to talk about it for a long time. I couldn’t make him understand until I started acting out in hurtful ways. I don’t feel proud of myself. I feel like I am a shitty person who never deserves to be trusted or treated well again. But I needed it to stop and I will accept the consequences for doing what I had to do. That’s the deal.

I spent my third pregnancy sitting at home and crying because I wanted to kill myself. I had less ability to drive than usual so less therapy. I didn’t really see friends. I feel incredibly wounded by that experience after I spent so many years driving to help people. To clean up the hoarders houses because they couldn’t do it emotionally. To help people post-surgery. To bring food and companionship to new mothers or elderly folk.

But fuck me.

Yeah the bay area was “perfect”. Perfectly happy to use me up until I kill myself.

“Everyone would be much happier if people just stopped perceiving microaggressions.” Well that sounds about white.

Some people will be happier, that’s true.

I bought fucking DVC so I could have a way of financing spending time with Sarah. She wanted me to give her my points so she could have trips with her friends and family and not deal with my needs.

I looked into selling the points. It looks like they are almost 3x’s as expensive now as when I bought them. At least I will make back the money I spent on those trips. In the long run I will probably effectively make back all the money I ever spent on park admissions and food.

I don’t think I can come back to California to live and I don’t think I care enough to fly back to Disneyland. I feel like the whole place is poisoned for me.

She took money I gave her for groceries and bought a plane ticket to go see her sister. It’s not like it was a one time thing that she took resources from me so that she got to feel like she was the one taking care of her family.

I don’t even know if I feel bitter. Just sad. Rejected. Worthless.

How does Noah make me feel better about myself than other people do? He absolutely does not make promises unless he can keep them. He makes me feel like I am worth honesty. He’s quick to tell me that he can’t do something. He doesn’t expect me to give and give and give so he can turn around and pass that effort on and look cool because he has it to give.

I am tired of feeling sad and worthless. I am tired of needing to explode with anger so that I can get people to stop saying, “Well why don’t you give more to me.”

BECAUSE I AM FUCKING EMPTY. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

Dad’s girlfriend has been super kind about our upcoming trip to Portland. I don’t have one bad thing to say about her. But I hate myself for feeling suspicious and tentative because this came after I turned down loaning him $25,000 and I told him that I didn’t ever expect to be welcome in his home again now that it is full.

He said that we could stay there in the guest room but he wouldn’t dismantle his dungeon. He would just throw a blanket over stuff.

Uhm.

I don’t know that the amount I shield my kids from kinky shit is necessary. It doesn’t matter if it is necessary or more than needed. I am going to keep doing it because this is how my fucked up brain knows that there will be no inappropriate sexual conversations with my children. They know about anatomy. They know about birth control. They know that some day when they are ready I will support them doing whatever makes them happy. They don’t ever need to know that I like to be whipped and called a whore.

Do I like it? Do I feel like it is what I deserve?

I can’t separate those things.

I had good dreams last night. I asked Noah to hypnotize me to sleep. This was the first morning in a while where I didn’t wake up crying and/or feeling sick.

I know I hurt my kids and it makes me feel like dogshit. I know I hurt my friends and it makes me feel like I should disappear so I never hurt them again. I have to set boundaries and I seem to be incapable of doing so and having healthy relationships. That means I should be alone. That’s how I should set the boundaries. That way I don’t hurt people. I don’t have the right to hurt people. That’s me being a selfish cunt.

Asking people to please, please, please not make promises they can’t keep… that’s not ok. That’s not enough. They promise because they want to be able to keep the promise. Then I’m the fucking asshole when I notice that they are effectively lying to me.

I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole. I’m the asshole.

But I’m an asshole who got the baby to sleep finally. So I got to type. Wheeeee