My kids have actually adapted to being quieter more than I expected they would be able to. They need occasional gentle reminders but they are so much quieter than they were in California that it kind of feels like they had personality transplants.
They are both talking about how much they miss about Japan already. With a bigger kitchen we would have been very happy there for a lot longer. Good to know.
We are all excited about cooking again. Even with no salt everyone was very happy about our breakfast eggs. The beans were fabulous–less sweet than in the US but super tomato-y and lovely.
Also, scones for the win.
Both kids are being incredibly helpful and wonderful. They feel a renewed sense of purpose for maintaining a house. Japan was too much. This feels like the right amount of work. They asked if we could draw up a chore chart and figure out how to rotate the chores between us because that’s fun.
They both absolutely squeed with glee at getting to download more library books and they have both reread the kids books we sent to Scotland already. They are visiting old friends.
I now understand why Japanese nappies have such a great reputation. Scottish nappies… oh these blow chunks. (Which isn’t entirely positive, but it shows me how good I had it there.)
It was fun waking up to a boy in my bed because he wanted to be close to us.
My big kids have already done many hours of playing together after tidying their stuff. They are enjoying each other a lot.
Eldest Child heard from an old friend on Scratch (a website that teaches how to program and build video games). She had been talking about how much she misses him and she was super happy to hear from him. I told her she should write him a letter and her eyes lit up. She has known this boy since she was three. I told her she really doesn’t have to lose him just because we moved and she’s feeling thrilled. He clearly wants to keep in touch with her.
Both kids are feeling fairly connected to their friends even with the distance. That’s beautiful to see.
Her Sweetness painted her entire face and head with her breakfast beans while cackling madly. It was glorious.
I keep hearing from Dad’s girlfriend. I am feeling a lot of hope about the visit to Portland. I have touched base with several friends there already and we have all expressed desire to get together 1-3 times in the span I am there. If I am not setting aside 90% of my kid-free time for Sarah I get to actually see my other friends.
People do love me, even if I don’t always love myself. I continue to read the CPTSD book. I can only handle a few pages at a time because it is incredibly distressing and activating while also making me feel better about myself. I’m weird. But I was going to be weird. It’s interesting how this book is confirming something I have wondered for a while: the neglect/lack of love was probably far more damaging long-term than the sexual abuse or being hit. When your mother hates you from birth and teaches you that your existence is an unwanted burden… that’s hard to shake off. It’s not appropriate for later relationships to be unconditional and people who are neglected really hard in their first few years spend their whole life desperately wanting people to love them unconditionally and that fails because it’s not how adult relationships work.
My friends have to tell me no. My friends have to say “I can’t do that for you.” My friends have to say “If you do x I can’t be around you.” That is not an attack or a withdrawal of friendship that is appropriate boundary setting. But in my brain it doesn’t always read that way and I need to learn how to love myself enough to make up for those boundaries feeling like a statement that I do not deserve love and I should die.
That’s not what people are trying to say. But my brain was programmed to read things that way.
It’s inspiring reading a book by someone much older than me who says “Yeah this is shit work that we will never be finished with. It’s ok. You are worth doing all this work for.” I have to think I am worth putting in the effort to reprogram my brain. I have to try to interpret my friends behavior as healthy boundary setting because they are awesome autonomous people with their own lives.
That’s my work.
It is going to take me a while though.
Half an hour till the grocery store opens. Woo. Tomorrow I will figure out delivery. Today I just need to get food. Setting up internet accounts is hard when I’m this tired, I don’t have patience to spare. It is all going to my children. I’m doing well with that though. I’m talking about *why* we have to learn skills for our benefit and their future. I’m trying very hard to frame things as “We do this so we will be healthy/have strength/feel good” instead of “Stop doing x because you suck.” (I don’t tell my kids they suck.) I do sometimes tell them that I don’t have more patience to absorb inconvenience and still be nice. That’s true. Ok, baby requires entertainment now.