Ok, the will I ever learn part is about pain. I got a massage today. Specifically: a Thai massage. Those puppies are magical. The simmering rage and resentment I have been feeling literally evaporated. It is hard to be both a manager and a worker when I am in raging pain. My body and my brain are not interested in doing ALL OF THE THINGS WHEN I AM IN THAT MUCH PAIN while being nice. I can’t. It is something I am literally not capable of accomplishing. I am grouchy, vicious and just plain nasty when I hurt to that level. I’ve been trying not to whine all day long about it because that gets on my nerves but it’s been getting really bad. Travel is hard on my body. Setting up house is a lot of load. Being alone with the kids is fairly brutal. Portland will be… complicated. Luckily I have a lot more access to folks I feel comfortable saying “Can I dump my kids on you and get a massage?”

I probably could ask Jenny but… it’s complicated. My kids are so wild and her kids are so young and she is so much in the thick of it. Her husband is not a loud-screaming-wild-children oriented kind of person and I would feel really bad about my children making him feel uncomfortable in his home. I don’t want to inconvenience them when they are being so nice about hanging out with us when I am there to intervene.

We are talking about doing sleepovers: one kid at a time and that I think will be ok. But all three of my kids on top of their two kids? Brutal. I mean… I could probably do it. But managing large groups of loud-screaming-wild-children is quite literally my thing.

I want them to like us and I feel like that has some decided limits on how hard I can push at this stage. Losing Jenny would be utterly catastrophic for me emotionally. I can’t push too hard or be too demanding. I just can’t risk it.

Which is why I am feeling a little worried about the pain/hanging out balance because I was kind of a dick on Monday. I was a judgy piece of shit. I don’t really mean it. I’m hurting. And that makes my patience levels drop to basically zero. We were in the pool for an hour and I did really well being my little niece’s assigned person. I did very poorly handling MC be… aggressive with me. What the fuck is up with yanking on my hair and ripping my glasses off my face? Why in the mother fucking hell would you think that is ok? He… avoided me the rest of the hour. Which felt a bit sad. I did well being patient with Jenny’s oldest though. We swam around a lot and played kitties and had a good time.

After lunch I was doing way too much nasty expressing how some children’s behavior wouldn’t work for me. It wasn’t necessary or helpful or useful or anything good. Kids are different for a million reasons having to do with nature and nurture and environment and different peoples tolerance levels and….

I don’t need to share my stupid ass unimportant opinion on why other peoples kids would be hard for me. Just shut the fuck up already.

I really didn’t do well at that on Monday.

And when I am hurting a lot I find that I am a lot more prone to ruminate on how much I would like to be hitting everyone who annoys me. That’s a fucking nasty, inappropriate trait.

I am not a perfect person nor a perfect parent. Where do I get off judging other people?

I really hate myself when I act like that. I know I don’t mean it. But sometimes I can’t zip my stupid mouth shut and I feel so embarrassed. Just shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up.

I’m glad I said I couldn’t handle the park. I couldn’t. I was being a dick.

I don’t want to be a dick to my friend or her kids or my kids or Noah.

Thank cheese toast for massage. I loved the massage lady. I will be emailing her to schedule a bunch more work before I go and I’ll be giving Jenny a gift certificate for her birthday. It’s a dang near magical experience.

Like I always do, I spent over 20 minutes talking up why she needs to value her growing experience and talent and raise the rates you set seven years ago.

Body workers never feel they deserve to raise their rates. They always think that what they earned their first year is what they deserve to be earning 10-20 years later. Fuck that shit. You are amazing and you make peoples lives better. Raise. Your. Rates. Your expenses increase. The amount of damage you do to your body causes you to need to pay for support. RAISE YOUR RATES.

But anyway.

One of the many reasons I don’t think anyone should write a parenting book when their children are under 18 is because we are all just throwing shit at the wall and seeing if it sticks. Parenting is one of the few jobs where you don’t have easily identifiable goals (writing a web app, getting 80% of students to increase their score on a standardized test, setting out all the new product in a specific layout dictated by corporate). You make this shit up as you go along. It’s influenced heavily by culture and region and all kinds of stuff. Family traditions. Parental personality.

By which I mean… I’m trying a new thing. Because you throw shit at the wall until it sticks.

My kids are not bad children at all. But I am really struggling with how to teach them stuff around executive function, habits, and frugality. To try to change our dynamic I am going to start paying them more for chores and academics and such. We sat and made a price list for all of their activities. They are not being given a bunch of new work. If they do stuff with no reminders I am going to give them 100% of the money. With a reminder, 75% of the allotment. With 2 reminders, 50% of the allotment. If I have to pester you (defined as 3 reminders in our family) then I do not pay you because you made my life harder instead of easier.

With this significantly expanded amount of money they are going to start buying their clothes, toiletries, and all junk food. I’m not going to keep buying all the sweet treats and potato chips and what have you.

Why clothes and toiletries? Mostly because it’s a math and budgeting exercise. I’m not objecting to how much they cost. But my kids will go through a bottle of face wash in a week. A bottle of shampoo in two weeks. That’s… excessive like whoa. Their junk food goes in boom and bust cycles based around my moodiness and that’s not good for any of us. The kids can’t buy toys until their other needs are met.

I will buy basic foods of course. I will continue to pay medical bills of course. I told them that a lot of their “I want to go to a museum/play park/activity/event/classes” is going to need to come out of their money so they had best save up.

We are going to be paying them pretty much what their share of the budget has been for the past few years.

I know this isn’t an approach that would work for everyone. But my kids are not motivated by most rewards/punishments and they need to find some kind of motivation in this life. I was doing similar levels of providing for myself from not much older with… a very tiny fraction of what they can potentially earn.

And if they don’t want to earn it, well… their life isn’t going to be as cozy for a bit. I think they will find motivation.

And they really want fancy expensive clothes and makeup and more accessories. Ok. Then learn how to set your habits so you get them. This is life training my bucko.

My kids are being exposed to a level of privilege I completely was incapable of understanding at their ages. I don’t know a better way of helping them learn to understand the scope of their life. It’s not that they are a burden and I’m bitter about paying for their shit. I set up a payment schedule so that I’m still paying the same money.

But they need to learn how to set habits without me being their externalized brain.

Maybe this will fail. The point system worked really well until we didn’t have enough to trade that they wanted so it failed. If they are buying the stuff they want and need on a weekly/monthly basis… maybe it will go better?

We’ll see. And if it fails we will try something else. Because there is no way out of this gig but through and they are the sun around which I orbit. We will find a way to learn skills and habits because they are really important for life.