Today a friend said, “You have a remarkable number of stories about children throwing up on you. Talking to you reminds me that I am totally committed to not having children.” I giggled a lot. Yes, dear friend, if you aren’t ok with being covered in vomit, shit, piss, and snot… don’t have kids. Kids have puked on every limb, my hair, in my mouth. Rivers of shit have cascaded down my body. I’ve been peed on more times than I can count. They have blown their god damn noses all over me and into my mouth.

And the blood. So. Much. Blood. My own, theirs… so much blood.

Do you know what bothers me more than bodily excretions?

DO YOUR GOD DAMN CHORES WITHOUT ME HAVING TO ASK 958 TIMES A DAY, PLEASE.

It’s funny where we all have our limits.