I’m not good at funny.

1. Both partners should be sober the first time you have sex.

Ok, I know this sounds unfair and mean and terrible and all that. I get it. Most people like using a little bit of social lubricant. As a veteran of a lot of hook-ups let me say that it is hard to have appropriate judgment when not-sober.

2. Ask for consent.

I’m serious. I specifically choose not to tell you how many people have been flabbergasted when I said, “I would really like to have sex with you. Right now I am getting some signals that you would like to have sex with me too. Am I reading you correctly or should I back off?” Men have expressed shock that I would ask. Women were delighted with me. If you do it in a sexy way I promise it isn’t a boner killer. Instead it is hot and fun and a major turn on. Male partners have told me that I am the only partner who has *ever* asked for consent. That breaks my heart. Women can rape too. I don’t care if you are a guy or a girl: asking permission is all polite and stuff.

3. Only use physical force during sex if you have had calm, rational before hand negotiation.

I’m a flaming pervert. I’ve done things that would freak out just about anyone. This article is not about those stories. What I say to you, the generic unwashed Cracked.com masses is: physical force is not inherently evil. Using physical force someone doesn’t think is sexy during sex is abuse. It is only sexy if you both like it. The difference between bdsm and abuse is consent. If at any point someone decides to withdraw consent then the physical forcefulness must stop on a dime. If you don’t have the self-control to stop on a dime you have no business being physically forceful during sex.

4. If you can’t have a conversation about STDs and pregnancy prevention before sex: don’t have sex.

We cannot afford to think that sex is no big deal. Sex is wonderful. I’m a huge fan of sex. I’m even a fan of sex with lots of people with relatively few strings attached. I’m anything but a prude. If you can’t have a conversation about your health and the health of your partner then you are not grown up enough to be rubbing sticky bits together. Stick to masturbation.

5. Think of yourself as someone with potential power.

This one is one of the hardest ones. This is the most serious, in my judgmental and experienced opinion. Having sex seems like a basic thing. Most humans do it at some point. But the hormones it floods through your body can have a very lasting impact. I know that most of us go through childhood conditioned to think of ourselves as weak and powerless. That is how at least America wants children to feel. It’s not true though.

Once you have your hands on someone else’s private parts you have just become a person with power. I understand that it is kind of daunting to think about. You can hurt someone on accident because of all the hormones and emotions involved even if you are kind to their body.

Sex is wonderful if both people want it. Sex is awful if only one person wants it. (Or it can just be boring–that’s the ideal if it is just for one person’s benefit; as someone who went through hellish pregnancies I can say that having sex for your partner’s benefit is sometimes a kind thing to do even if you aren’t in the mood.)