Today is pretty rad. We went to the movies. Because that’s what you do when you drive across the country, right? Go to the movies? Well, it was a movie about a kid from Minnesota having to move to San Francisco so it actually made a kind of awesome sense. We have her problem in reverse. The movie was Inside Out and it is the newest Pixar movie. It’s about emotions. I’ll be just mean enough to say that part of the point of the movie is the emotions learn that you need *all* emotions… not just the fun ones.

I cried and cried and cried. The movie gave me some interesting language for talking to the kids and I’m super grateful for that. Well done, Pixar. My kids kind of understand some pieces of me and my issues better because of this movie. That’s hecka useful.

I will be a judgmental bastard and say that the Thai food here in Duluth is more pan-Asian than what I think of as Thai. But who knows if I know what I’m talking about. It tasted fine, just… more of a fusion sorta thing. Very Chinese influenced.

They didn’t have pad see ewe! I had a sad. And no yellow curry!

Well, when we go home we will visit our local Thai restaurant and cry with happiness. Yay!

I slept better last night. Finding out how badly I was misunderstanding layers of stuff with the home school group helped. The anger is gone. I’m just left with sadness. I’m sorry I don’t know how to be what other people need.

I am feeling a little weird about the weather here. It feels like Hawaii to me. Which is totally not what I expected. It’s hot and muggy. It keeps raining. Fierce thunder and lightening storms with almost no warning. I’ve only experienced that in Hawaii before.

I wish Noah was here. This would be a rad place for sex outside in the rain. It’s 80 degrees!

I’m not hitting Iowa nor Missouri. I just can’t. The driving is hurting so much. I’m sad that I’m leaving so many interior states for later. I’ll just have to come back in 10-20 years with an RV.

My tent is breaking. One of the fasteners that attach it to the trailer ripped out. Whoops. And we have a hole in the door. I covered it on both sides with duct tape.

If it weren’t for the tarp I brought as a rain fly we’d be in a world of hurt right now. I’m so glad I was smart enough to think of this.

I am having fun. In between bursts of exhaustion. Ok, just played with the road trip doc. I’m staying in Duluth for 10 days. That’s way better sounding than 5 days.

That way I don’t have to set up camp so often. I’m feeling lazy. Or exhausted. The kids want me to be “fun”. I’m too fucking tired. Know how we still need to eat three meals a day? And I’m the only driver? And your laundry needs to be washed? And…

I’ll stop. I think I’ll enjoy a longer stay in Duluth. Then Chicago for slightly longer than originally intended then on to Michfest. Duluth, three-in-transit-days meandering through Wisconsin on the way south to Chicago. Then straight to the music fest. That describes the schedule up through the 9th of August. Which sounds great right now. Less travel, more play.

We are going to be so water logged when we leave here. Part of the reason I want to stay here longer is because it is so cheap. We went through a few import stores today. I couldn’t believe how cheap everything was. I made a surprised comment and the woman asked me where I was from. Her lip curled up, she said, “Rent. Everything costs so much there because of the rent.”

I wasn’t trying to say that I thought the people in my area were trying to gouge people or anything. I understand some pieces of economics…

It will give us more time here to fix the broken things on the trailer and get all the bedding cleaned (I’m tired of smelling like pee) and get the oil changed and and. Lots of little things piling up.

I can’t tell from the Michfest website, but it sounds like they won’t let me keep my van with my pop up even though moving things out of the van would be a *nightmare*. I mean, I *can*. But it will mean hours and hours and hours of work because I tied everything together so it wouldn’t fall while I’m driving. Everything is *very* secure. I’m sorta wondering if I should try to find some wood for putting under the eaves of the trailer so I can put the drawer units outside under the protection. Otherwise 100% would have to come into the tent. Uhm. I suppose I *could*. But it would make being in the tent very unpleasant. We use the sides and stand up there to dress and such. Losing all of that room to storage would be sad.

Still feeling sad about the plug in cooler. It is just not doing what I wish it would do. Too much rain to leave windows open so it can be plugged in.

Youngest asked me to get steak and broccoli for dinner. I hope I have enough for all six folks in the house. Not sure! We’ll find out!

I have no idea how much my friend’s kids eat. Children are variable and all. I expect oldest will eat a lot and youngest will eat little. Based on the fact that oldest is a very tall, very heavy (muscular) kid and youngest is very short for age and extremely thin. There is less than a two year spread and older kid is literally more than twice as heavy. That’s a big difference in body type.

But who knows! You can’t look at people and guess how much they’ll eat.

So far I think this place is neat. It’s fun to wander around downtown and ask my kids, “What do you think this springy pole is for on the fire hydrant?” They have no idea. That’s how they measure snow.

The kids eyes bugged out as they looked at this pole that is taller than them. They get THAT MUCH SNOW?! Sometimes.

I’m really enjoying all the conversations the kids and I are having. Ok, I’ll spoiler the movie just a teeny bit. In it, there is a reference to the “core memories” that make up who you are and decide a lot of your personality. For this kid, all of the core memories were fueled by joy.

I told the kids, “Know how I talk about how I have a hard time feeling positive emotions sometimes?” They said, “Yeah” “Well, my core memories are angry or sad or afraid.”

They both hugged me and said that we’ll just make new memories to replace those.

I love you so much.

I said, “Notice how it isn’t that easy? Your core memories are there. No matter what. But notice how as the kid gets older the kid learns how to mix feelings more? Things don’t have to be just joy, they can be joyful and sad. They can be joy and fear. I won’t be able to replace the memories I have. Brains don’t work that way. But I can make new memories and learn how to have those memories be more of a mixed thing. As I get older I have a lot of thoughts about my mother and I realize that there are times when I was scared or sad or angry… that I could have felt a little joy. Now, I can be grateful for some of the things my mom did even though I couldn’t be at the time.”

They looked thoughtful.

My friend that we are staying with is a single mom. That has lead to a lot of questions. I was actually asked if we are on this trip because I’m leaving their dad. I said, “Know how I talk to your dad basically every day and I talk to you about him and I miss him and I tell him that I love him over and over? Yeah. I’m not leaving your dad. I’m just having an adventure.”

Then they asked if I ever dumped him. I laughed and said I did. I said he wasn’t the kind of boyfriend I wanted to have but it turns out he is an excellent husband. They found that fascinating.

I told them, “See why it is so wonderful for me to be hanging out with you two all the time making all these joyful memories? Imagine my long-term memory storage. (They show something in the film.) Now I have rows and rows and rows of joy with your names on it.”

They skipped.

Sometimes I wonder what fucked me up the most. The rapes, being an unwanted baby, moving and not having stable support, all the beatings, the screaming that I’m a worthless cunt/bitch/whore/word of the day.

Was it worse having people tell me, regularly, to kill myself? “Why don’t you go play with the cars on the freeway.”

Hilarious to say given that my brother was hit by a car on the highway. Hilarious.

I should be brain damaged too. Sometimes I wonder if I am. Sometimes I reflect that PTSD is a sort of brain damage. It alters your brain. I haven’t read a medical textbook on brain injuries in a while and I know there is interesting new research. Most of my reading happened in the 80’s and 90’s so I’m terribly out of date.

What is damage? What is change? What is abnormal? What is problematic?

Because even if something causes damage… that doesn’t make it problematic. Lots of people with brain damage adapt and are basically fine. Even if they are on the edge of “normal” they are doing fine and they are happy.

So how much of it matters? Well, if you ask zero tolerance drug enforcement policy people any amount of change to the brain is problematic and unacceptable.

I’ve done more than my share of recreational drugs. I don’t think I’ve hit “addict” because other than something ordered by a doctor I never did anything that many times and I’m not real driven to seek drugs out. If they are convenient and I’m set up for doing them I’ll do them. But if I don’t have the right parameters I abstain.

Childcare is #1 at this point and I don’t really have that in a way that would allow drug usage. So I don’t really do much.

I don’t abstain because I’m worried about altering my brain. Frankly if I get stupider and my memory works less well in the future… I will probably be grateful. I remember too well right now. Too much. I want to forget.

But I can’t drink alcohol because I shit fire. Well, rare drinks I can sorta tolerate if I’m otherwise low stress. But it’s awful.

Other drugs aren’t hard on my body in the same way. Different ways. They make me tired and unable to care about anyone outside of myself.

I can’t do that and be a parent. So I don’t do drugs.