There’s this woman in my extended community. I can’t fucking stand her. She’s friends with most people I know. Sometimes when I think about just how many of my friends adore her I wonder what is wrong with me that she rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know what it is. But I see her name forking every time I check in on many folks I know. And I twitch and want to move the fuck out of California so that I don’t have to continue to interact with her.

I don’t give ultimatums. I leave.

I would rather walk away from people who have been my friends for over a decade than put up with her. That’s a lot of dislike. The thing is… it’s not about what she has actually done. It’s about how much she jumps up and down on my buttons and I understand that my self control is not endless. If I tried to be around her in social settings and “just ignore her” I would eventually explode and either scream at her or hit her. So I avoid her like the plague. Honestly at this stage of my life I would just be verbally nasty… I haven’t hit someone out of temper in a very long time and I don’t think she could push my control that hard. But god I want to punch her in the face. Why? I don’t exactly understand but I can’t fucking stand her.

I feel like since most of the folks I know want to hang out with someone who runs their mouth like that… better I not be there anyway. Even if I don’t want to hear her run her mouth… do I really want to participate in communities that shelter and harbor such behavior? Not really.

So I stay home.

I stay home for so many reasons. Physical and emotional energy. I’m not a night person. I don’t want to run into rapists. I don’t want to deal with people who irritate me. I’m getting increasingly selective as I get older. I just won’t deal with people unless they treat me in a way that is minimally acceptable. I want so little from anyone that walking away is better than trying to figure out how to negotiate for what I want/need.

If I went and complained about her shitty behavior I would be the problem. So I just stay home so that I don’t make a problem for anyone. My presence is not exactly that important. Me not being present isn’t a problem for anyone.

It’s better that I just not try.

I can’t control people. Not her. Not the rapists. Not the people who just kind of irritate me but haven’t done anything wrong. Really there about three women I have issues with but they are in different communities and I’ve walked away from all of them because I don’t want to be in communities that encourage/shelter/tolerate the behavior these women demonstrate. I’ll show up once a year or every few years… but that’s it.

It isn’t always about how they treat me. It’s about how they talk to people. It’s about what people put up with from them for some reason that is unknowable to me.

Hell, why do people put up with my shit?

I don’t know. I don’t know why I’d be welcome in these communities by most of the members. Don’t they see that I am the problem and I’m just waiting to happen?

I ponder these thoughts as I hide at home with my children and my Noah. I learn so much about why family is important to other people. We have disagreements. We have irritating behaviors. We have things we all need to change so that we can grow and become better people. Not a person in this house will tolerate being treated disrespectfully. I admire my children deeply for their strength of character.

You don’t call my kids a name or insinuate nasty things. They’ll jump right on it and tell you all the ways to fuck off.

I love my kids.

No one else in my house is as touchy as me, which is for the best. But they notice disrespect and aren’t ok with it. I like that about their character. They won’t necessarily cause a big scene. Noah is more subtle than that. He’s good at just… pointing out how shitty you sound and letting it hang there in the air with a “Hunh. You meant to say that?” It’s great.

He certainly catches me out when I’m shitty. It’s completely effective and leads to, “Oh god. I did mean to say that. I’m such an asshole. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

I like the way that people in my house really listen to one another. Part of what makes me crazy about socializing these days is how little people actually listen to one another.