We had our lovely dinner party last night. The conversation was lively and everyone got along. That was good.

I think it is going to take a while before stuff feels comfortable. I think I need to ride the waves of discomfort and feeling like, of all the people at this table I should leave given that they are there for me. I don’t need to avoid them when they are there because they like me.

My brain is not a fun place.

It’s kinda like how i completely wigged out at my 30th birthday. I couldn’t handle that. I could absolutely not psychologically accept that all those people were there because they love me. It felt like a mockery. It felt like really they were there as part of an elaborate hoax and soon they are all going to hurt me.

Paranoia sucks.

Do I really think that a single person last night had negative thoughts? No, but I felt like I should leave anyway. I felt out of my league.

Do you know part of the trouble? I am surrounded by such fantastic, experienced, nearly magical people. Why would they want to waste their time with a loser like me?