I really don’t know what I want. I’m negotiating things at the last minute mostly in ways that don’t feel very respectful of our marriage. (Err, for the record nothing unusual or unexpected happened tonight on the date.)

I didn’t break another boundary.

Noah’s feeling paranoid and he should. I’m not being consistent. I’m abandoning long-held fanatical beliefs with barely a shrug.

I don’t know why or what I want.

What am I doing?

I’m hurting Noah. That’s a complicated thing. He feels inadequate.

I have felt inadequate all these years of being expected to just… get off… and I couldn’t. What was happening to my body was not anywhere near enough to get me off and… just suck it.

Forever.

I feel small and shameful. I am so selfish. This is kinda like when I left my Owner. I’m tired of my sex life being about someone else’s amusement and not mine. And that means I’m a huge asshole because I’m saying Noah is inadequate.

Tonight I was asked if I always come that easily.

No. I don’t. That’s… unusual. That’s early shit. I’ve never sustained that with someone all the time full time for years. I’ve come by far the closest with Noah. We do have sex that gets me off, sometimes even more than that.

But I have to push and push and push and push and …

I’m supposed to be the bottom. If I push that hard to get where I’m going that means I’m leading and not bottoming.

I can’t inspire Noah to want to play with me the way I want. Not with begging or pleading or years of trying.

But who is inadequate?

I think there is a lot of inadequacy to go around here.

I can’t make my body just… do what you want it to do. Who is inadequate? I can’t be content hiding in my house listening to Noah and the kids talk about comic books and video games forever.

I drive everything in this house. I drive what we do, where we go, what we learn, how we behave, what we use our resources on, how we save…

It goes on and on and on and on.

Lists of things I have to figure out and push that I feel completely and totally inadequate to be the adult about but Noah doesn’t want to do it so either it gets neglected or I fucking do it. Things that are totally above my paygrade and education background to understand but I have to be ready right now so just go.

Who is inadequate?

I’ve spent most of my life honing my sexual skills for hunting and negotiating. I can’t talk my husband into the kind of sex I really want.

Who is inadequate?

Pushing people into sex they don’t really want is a core white hot trigger for me. And I have spent a large portion of my relationship with Noah feeling like I’m trying to force a lactose intolerant person to eat a tub of ice cream. What I want isn’t healthy or necessary or probably psychologically positive unless someone is really motivated to have it all on their own. And Noah isn’t that tempted to play how I like playing. I god damn know by now.

I spend a lot of time wondering why I picked a partner who really doesn’t want me for the extensive customization I worked on. I don’t understand which small slice of me was the slice he was looking at when he thought he wanted the whole thing.

Everyone narrows who they are in life. Who you can be is a reflection, in part, of who the people around you will allow you to be.

Noah can do monogamy just fine. He doesn’t lose interest or flag or feel sad about how we have sex. He’s doing great.

Who is inadequate?

I feel really bad about how much I liked what I did tonight. Not because I feel bad about liking it. Because I feel like it reflects how I don’t really deserve Noah.

I don’t feel all that good about the fact that I’m just not as happy if I’m not having sex with people and getting to ask them questions about themselves.

Am I misleading you internet? Sometimes. I’m not letting you know how piss poor I’m doing at communicating a lot of what I’m doing to Noah. I’m seriously being an asshole. He’s justified in all of his feelings right now.

I feel like I’m being mean. I’m being mean in part because I’ve said what I wanted in terms of sex for over twelve years now. I’m feeling very inadequate that I’ve only managed to get to the sex life we usually have. I feel shitty that the quota is what I can god damn accomplish. I’ve seen those tally marks. I know how many of those were meh. I know how many of those I didn’t get off at all.

Who is inadequate?

I can’t make it all work like magic by myself while other people get to show up to the Krissy show. Yes you have to do work at the Krissy show. We Are Workers, Not Shirkers. Sorrynotsorry.  You like the results of the work we do. Even as you complain about feeling boring.

No. I didn’t get hit tonight. That was… part of my thought process in not going to Renegades again. I thought I’d be more likely to stick to that if I stuck to someone who was actually interested in sex. (And Noah doesn’t like how many invitations I drop when I go to Renegades anyway. Fair enough. I haven’t followed up but there are a whole bunch of sharks there that are probably smelling blood.)

It isn’t that Noah isn’t up for sex. He’s up for sex any time I ask. I want to be kind of an asshole and talk about the rest of how that goes and why it isn’t working for me right now.

There’s something I’m running up against in my play with other people. I will do things… and they stop me.

Nope. I’m not the top.

Oh.

Fuck. 

I think Noah is a lot more switchy than we want to admit and I think that is part of the problem. I don’t think I’ve really thought about it that way.

I don’t know.

It isn’t that I never get off with Noah. It isn’t that Noah never puts effort in to get me off over and over. Sometimes he does. When I tell him to.

Sigh.

I feel like a cum dumpster and not like a sex toy. Now there’s a fucking distinction. I feel like our sex life is about the result of Noah coming and not about playing with me as a fun toy. It’s a weird difference.

Hilarious.

I think that’s part of why the hypnosis stuff works as well as it does. It is one of the few things where you entirely lead.

That’s where you will push and tweak. Because it is your fantasy and that’s fine. I’m not cranky. I’m just… noticing. And you won’t do that kind of play with me until I’m a giant asshole and I go out and play with a bunch of other people and break rules like a giant asshole trying to get closer and closer to what I want.

What the fuck do I want.

I want to come like I did tonight. No, I wasn’t hurt. Well, maybe a little. Like vanilla sex hurting with a teeny bit of finger nails and nipping of nipples. But let me tell you it wasn’t pain play like I’ve been doing.

I wasn’t punched, slapped, kicked, or hit with a large object. I was grabbed roughly while someone enthusiastically fucked me. That doesn’t count.

I won’t even have marks.

Doesn’t count. It was kissing and not being allowed to do things and fucking and being appreciated.

I know you appreciate me Noah. But you complain that I am not complaisant enough to follow. You complain that I am not obedient enough. All while needing me to lead fucking everything all the time.

It was weird tonight. On one hand I had this shock of how dare he and on the other hand I felt like oh yeah… I remember this.

When I did stuff that was pushy he just pulled my hand away and pinned it. It wasn’t a fight it wasn’t a snotty thing. He’s leading. Just… shush.

The bdsm without sex is like that but more extreme. I’m doing what I’m doing to you now. Shush. Just… accept. That’s what my relationship with my Owner was about. That’s a lot of why he couldn’t see so many things about me. He wanted to treat me how I asked him to treat me and it required not having too much sympathy for me.

Noah wants to be sweet and sensitive and never ever hit a trauma button because he lives with that all the time so he needs me to lead so that he doesn’t ever feel like he’s doing something wrong.

So I have to lead. Always.

Probably not always but it is a significant majority of the time. Like whoa.

I have this thing about leading and following. If someone is dithering, fine motherfucker. I guess I’m leading. But I want to follow so fucking badly.

Even as it weirdly hurt my feelings and made me mad tonight when Deity took my hand off his face to pin it above my head… it also made explode into orgasm. Because it was hot. Because he was making my body do what he wanted for sex.

It’s complicated though because too much of that and I shut down and get dissociated and I just… manage to be complaisant through not being present. Noah has dealt with the fall out of too much of that.

So I feel inadequate. Because that is probably something Noah would have done fine at if I hadn’t trained him out of it through giving intense mixed signals and periodically punishing him when he guesses wrong.

By punishing him I mean crying and freaking out for hours or days.

Noah I’m really sorry I’m making you feel inadequate.

I need to… not schedule for a bit. For realz. I have enough on my calendar.

I need to figure out what the fuck I want before I push Noah harder.

I feel resentful of my sex life being measured in someone else’s orgasm for years and mine is just irrelevant. And yet a lot of my frustration is around wanting to be used for someone else’s entertainment? That’s… obnoxious of me. I like fucking people who are super excited to play with someone they can get off the way they can get me off so they stop and concentrate on it. Noah… doesn’t always do that. And I’m really tired of trying to set up barriers and hurdles to force Noah to take more time and…

I’m tired of leading it.

I feel like he’s only interested in as much access as necessary to get what he needs and then he’s good.

And that… doesn’t even get me started. Why bother? Why turn on for that? I don’t need to be here for that. This is Business Time. It’ll be over soon. If I get excited then I’ll just get angry with you when it’s over so… ok.

Yeah, I feel inadequate. I am not particularly inspiring.