I told the Quiet One that I can’t see him. Because Noah doesn’t want me seeing people who won’t do group play. I feel like I just shot myself in the foot. Because that was my solid shot at having someone around who wanted to be helpful during pregnancy.

But Noah is feeling so threatened and scared.

I’m… I’m feeling like maybe a third baby is stupid. I’m not sure I can sign on for another pregnancy of completely overwhelming Noah such that we are both miserable. Not when he is completely against me getting other support.

I wanted that support. I wanted to find out what would happen.

Oh well.

Noah is still pushing for Mardi Gras month. I feel like it would be stupid. I feel like me letting myself want something or someone would be stupid. What if I really liked someone. I liked the Quiet One. Enough that Noah was filled with rage and he feels our relationship is permanently altered.

I destroyed our enmeshment.

Because I’m that good.

I feel like our relationship is permanently altered too. But I don’t know what to do about it. I feel full of distrust, shame, and anger. I feel like in our tempestuousness we have chased off people and I’m pissed about that too.

I did find god damn good people this time. But who in the hell would want to put up with this bullshit?

I feel incredibly hopeless and despondent. I have so little belief we will find a road that will contain happiness for both of us. I feel like I shouldn’t have another kid because I shouldn’t reset the clock on how soon till I can commit suicide.

I promised 12.25 more years. Maybe resetting that isn’t smart.

Know why Quiet One enraged him so much? Because I promised I wouldn’t pick up anyone else who wanted solo time. Then what did I immediately do. I broke my word. Not only did I break my word and want to spend time with someone who is completely anti group play I did it with someone who wanted to be close to my kids. And that is threatening up one side and down the other.

My submissive may offer to take my kids to ice cream, but he doesn’t want to just be a frequent visitor to the house just kinda hanging out doing shit. And that’s the most serious help offer I’ve gotten from anyone.

But I have to say no to it. Because it hurts Noah.

I’m scared I need to turn down the third baby because I can’t go through another pregnancy with how much support I had the first two times. I don’t have room for how depressed I was. It would damage the big kids.