God damn. I’ll stop typing at some point. It’s been a busy few days. Do y’all realize I’m going to have to mostly stop typing during pregnancy? My arms enflame like mad. Maybe I’ll switch to video broadcasts. What a terrifying thought.

Noah, more than anything else, wants to be my religion. I get that. I like that he is thoroughly in the camp of Krissyism. I think I do worship him. Not all the time. I am a follower who sins. I don’t think I ever let other gods come before him, but sometimes I do like to worship them in their own… other places. I won’t even call it secondary. It’s not the same. They never come before him.

Noah has gift wrapped happiness and handed it to me. The price? Knowing my soul. I don’t write for all y’all. I write for Noah. Because the more I say here the more he knows me.

He is scared that me dating means he is going to know me less.

It’s probably true and I should stop fighting about it. Yeah.

But Noah has been hounding me for a while now to just go full bore. Have a full month where I do what I want so he can see how far his follower has fallen away from the fold. If I have a month fully off the choke chain… will I come back to him? Will I still be worshipful? Will I still esteem him above all else?

Will he still know everything about me even when things happen off stage?

I am trying darling. I’m trying to share what happens off stage. It isn’t about excluding you. There isn’t really a part of myself I can keep away from my god. You have me. You know me. But sometimes you can’t see me and that is scary.

Noah needs to have a chat with the boys. Stop acting scared to fucking kiss me if he is around. That’s going to make this whole thing fail. Because if y’all act like Noah has to go away before you will notice me, that puts Noah in the position of having to disappear so I can get what I want. That sucks.

Noah asked me to please take a Mardi Gras. He needs to see it. And frankly, given that I’m about to get back into the breeding choke chain…

Yeah a month of selfishness and debauchery sounds lovely. I almost kinda did it before only I cancelled a bunch of stuff because it was complicated.

I have three weeks of out of state visitors in July. Then when they leave until we go on the cruise… I’m officially off leash and I don’t need to ask permission. Which is feeling different from my earlier “fuck you I can’t follow rules right now”. I need to not be secretive. I need to bring as much much much much energy home as possible. Noah won’t like hearing all the details but he has to.

He believes it won’t be possible for him to continue fully knowing me if I date how I want to date.

One of us needs to be proven wrong. It may be me. But I’m going to work like hell to make it him. My poor fingers.

He believes that if I use my time and my energy to worship other people I will not be able to give him what he wants and needs from me.

I get it.

I really get it.

Fuck.

I guess we will see who is right. Also: this month is not sustainable nor intended to be a model for future behavior. This is to scare him. He wants to see what I want. Ok. I’ll show you.