I think that having a time of staying in a place where all elevated voices and rough behavior is Not OK has been good for us. We are learning new skills. Whispering our disagreements instead of shouting them probably does positive things for all of our body systems.

So yesterday when I wasn’t happy with how the kids were treating me I asked them to write out scripts about our interactions. Both things that have already happened that they feel especially good or not proud of and then try to write some scripts about how you think things should go.

They produced quite good scripts at an age appropriate level. (Meaning there was a lot of poop poop poop and “I said lol” in the script. Ok.) They are trying to think about their behavior. We are having lots of conversations about things like, “It’s ok that not everything you do pleases me. That’s healthy! But where is the difference between you getting to be your own person having your own preferences and needs and where are you being kind of mean to me?” Because more than one thing can be true. It can be important for you to have opinions and values I don’t share while also sometimes you still need to be nice to me.

It’s kind of like how I need to set boundaries with them more. Not because I am mean and hate them, because I need to have space to take care of me too. It is not mean if I deny you ice cream on a given day and endless trips to the expensive play place because I need to help your body be healthy and I can’t pour out money on entertaining you all day.

There has to be a balance here and I am really struggling to find it. I feel so guilty about any boundaries.

That guilt is a big problem.

I felt guilty setting boundaries with Sarah and that’s part of how things blew up so badly. I should have told her that I needed to stop having her on my calendar a year ago, well more than a year ago at this point. I knew the situation was hurting me but I didn’t want to hurt her by taking away the “Yes I will reserve time to see you” good feelings. And so I hurt myself and I hurt her way more. I fucked that up.

Boundaries exist to help people be able to be healthy with each other. When I neglect to set them I create a situation where people *can’t* be kind to me. I knew Sarah was making promises she couldn’t keep. Letting her keep doing that became partially my fault too. Because telling her to stop felt like a much bigger mean thing than just absorbing the pain. And here we are.

I often feel like setting boundaries is cruel. I am telling people they can’t meet my needs and they need to stop claiming they can. Because when they offer support then I get mad at them because the support isn’t supportive or helpful.

Like someone saying she wanted to spend time with my kids. Then asking me to pay her for her time. Then she took them to Chuck E Cheese and didn’t talk to them while they were there and she made them pay for their games with their allowance. So I paid for her time then she made them pay for their own entertainment while she ignored them.

That’s…. not useful support. Not really. Because we end up feeling really bad about ourselves.