I’m not having a good day. I feel like this is kind of illustrating my problems. I am inappropriately controlling, right? That’s one of the narratives about me. But I also don’t say no to a lot of things because I don’t feel I have the right to be comfortable. I walk a fine line of being uncomfortable enough that I feel like I’m not asking for what I don’t deserve but trying to manage my reactions so I don’t freak out and hurt people.

I’m a volatile person. It’s a fact.

What does that mean? It means that I cry

I don’t know that I’ll come back through and cross things off, but I like making lists. I’m trying to figure out what I should get off my butt and do. I’ve already caught up on taxes stuff (that was a big deal).

• collect tiles into move-from-my-house order
• arrange for donation. (Called already)

Things I think I should be doing (in no particular order):

• brushing my teeth twice a day every day
• meditating
• dates with myself
• how many dates per month with friends?

I’m having a weird time. I’m going to be talking into my phone. I don’t know how coherent this will be. I don’t know if I will edit this to make it more coherent. I keep thinking about phrases as they might turn into introductions for things

This morning is starting with yet another fight about dancing. I’m sorry I enjoy dancing. I’m sorry I enjoy partner dancing. I’m sorry that if I go partner dancing as a single, not-that-young-not-that-pretty woman I can’t get many people to dance with me so I need a date.

And that’s the brick wall.

I’m feeling so sad.

ah. The problem is that I seemed too excited when I was dating last year. That invalidates everything I’ve ever done with Noah. Because I tried to balance painful sex that I had no choice about with SOMETHING that I had a choice about there is no return.

I’ve wrecked his life and he should leave me. Because there is no coming back. But he won’t leave me because his mom is an evil harpy that I can’t compete with so my l

EC and I were talking about how annoying she finds it that I stare at her constantly.

Let me see if I can figure out how to say this. I might fail completely.

I’m a weird mix of being an optimistic person and not being a happy person. Being chronically depressed means I have a fairly realistic outlook about the fact that life is shitty and hard. (Depressed people are more realistic!) But I also take ridiculous risks because sometimes I shoot the moon and that’s awesome, which I think demonstrates optimism. I try for things I have no right to expect them to succeed.

For many years now Noah and I have been trying to make each other happy. That’s been kind of the goal, I guess?

In the email Noah referenced “winning” and how gratitude and appreciation are complicated and mixed up with who is doing more.

I have done a lot of things for a lot of years trying to make Noah happy. When I say that sex is the only thing that counts I think this is a lot of what I mean. If I take over all the house chores and cooking and all Noah has to do is go to his job and come home and play… that doesn’t make him happy. If I stop doing stuff and Noah gets to help me and feel useful that way…. that doesn’t make him happy.

He was broadcasting that he wasn’t happy long before I went and started fucking people.

I feel like I have heard a lot of “I need sex to give me motivation because I do so much for you“.

Even when he isn’t doing much for me other than going to work and thinking about me.

But the sex doesn’t motivate me the way it does Noah. Often sex feels like yet another chore I’m supposed to get done before I can drop into bed exhausted.

So if I’m told that Noah wants the sex because it is bonding and intimate and connecting… that feels like a giant fucking lie.

Kind of like how it feels like a lie to Noah that I would date other people so that I can be more physically present in the sex life he wants.

Maybe we are both trying to give from the place we know how to give without really respecting the fact that filling our own bucket involves punching a giant whole in the bucket of the other person.

We try to make each other happy. That’s not going very well.

“Thank you” doesn’t seem to stack up to much against “No one could love me and think I should be with you.”

I’m really struggling to cope with this. What is there to thank me for?

I think a lot about the difference between feeling lonely and being alone. I’m just about never alone anymore but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel lonely. I feel like the loneliness is connected to the feeling of “wrongness” that I don’t know how to quit having.

It is weird to me that I am both an incredibly created creature and one who is given credit for how I’ve done so much on my own. I have done a lot while alone… but I didn’t do it all for myself if that makes sense? There is a difference between work that is done on ones own without help from a community and work that is done alone while benefiting from community.

There’s this woman in my extended community. I can’t fucking stand her. She’s friends with most people I know. Sometimes when I think about just how many of my friends adore her I wonder what is wrong with me that she rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know what it is. But I see her name forking every time I check in on many folks I know. And I twitch and want to move the fuck out of California so that I don’t have to continue to interact with her.

I don’t give ultimatums. I leave.

I would rather walk away from people who have been my friends for over a decade than put up with her. That’s a lot of dislike. The thing is… it’s not about what she has actually done. It’s about how much she jumps up and down on my buttons and I understand that my self control is not endless. If I tried to be around her in social settings and “just ignore her” I would eventually explode and either scream at her or hit her. So I avoid her like the plague. Honestly at this stage of my life I would just be verbally nasty… I haven’t hit someone out of temper in a very long time and I don’t think she could push my control that hard. But god I want to punch her in the face. Why? I don’t exactly understand but I can’t fucking stand her.

I feel like since most of the folks I know want to hang out with someone who runs their mouth like that… better I not be there anyway. Even if I don’t want to hear her run her mouth… do I really want to participate in communities that shelter and harbor such behavior? Not really.

So I stay home.

I stay home for so many reasons. Physical and emotional energy. I’m not a night person. I don’t want to run into rapists. I don’t want to deal with people who irritate me. I’m getting increasingly selective as I get older. I just won’t deal with people unless they treat me in a way that is minimally acceptable. I want so little from anyone that walking away is better than trying to figure out how to negotiate for what I want/need.

If I went and complained about her shitty behavior I would be the problem. So I just stay home so that I don’t make a problem for anyone. My presence is not exactly that important. Me not being present isn’t a problem for anyone.

It’s better that I just not try.

I can’t control people. Not her. Not the rapists. Not the people who just kind of irritate me but haven’t done anything wrong. Really there about three women I have issues with but they are in different communities and I’ve walked away from all of them because I don’t want to be in communities that encourage/shelter/tolerate the behavior these women demonstrate. I’ll show up once a year or every few years… but that’s it.

It isn’t always about how they treat me. It’s about how they talk to people. It’s about what people put up with from them for some reason that is unknowable to me.

Hell, why do people put up with my shit?

I don’t know. I don’t know why I’d be welcome in these communities by most of the members. Don’t they see that I am the problem and I’m just waiting to happen?

I ponder these thoughts as I hide at home with my children and my Noah. I learn so much about why family is important to other people. We have disagreements. We have irritating behaviors. We have things we all need to change so that we can grow and become better people. Not a person in this house will tolerate being treated disrespectfully. I admire my children deeply for their strength of character.

You don’t call my kids a name or insinuate nasty things. They’ll jump right on it and tell you all the ways to fuck off.

I love my kids.

No one else in my house is as touchy as me, which is for the best. But they notice disrespect and aren’t ok with it. I like that about their character. They won’t necessarily cause a big scene. Noah is more subtle than that. He’s good at just… pointing out how shitty you sound and letting it hang there in the air with a “Hunh. You meant to say that?” It’s great.

He certainly catches me out when I’m shitty. It’s completely effective and leads to, “Oh god. I did mean to say that. I’m such an asshole. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

I like the way that people in my house really listen to one another. Part of what makes me crazy about socializing these days is how little people actually listen to one another.

What does it mean to get back up and try again? Should one? Is that always a wise decision? Is running all the fuck away sometimes the right decision?

I’m noticing my intense insecurity lately. I don’t feel like any of my decisions are right… but I can’t see how anyone else is right either. Or even when I can see that someone else’s behavior is completely and totally right for them it wouldn’t be right for me at all. Is that ok? Can I do anything about it?