I just don’t feel good and I can’t shake it. I got like 9 hours of sleep last night and I feel like I can’t wake up. I’m bone weary. My kids are all complaining about feeling off too. Noah hasn’t felt fully well in a while.

I’m feeling a lot of grief. I think I am displacing it onto “safe” topics. Like: I am absolutely weepy and upset over my teddy bear being gone (almost 4 years since he was lost on the road trip) and my cat dying (a year and a half ago). I can’t hold on to people and I can’t even hold onto my fucking teddy bear. I feel like it isn’t safe for me to develop attachments to things or people.

I am struggling with feeling like if I fall more in love with Jenny’s family I will fuck that up too. I fuck everything up. I am just a fuck up.

I told the kids we are on academic vacation this week because we haven’t had a lot of vacation time this school year. We have far less “vacation” than traditionally schooled folk. We need a break.

I am really emotionally struggling with “You are disabled; get used to it. Change your life to accommodate it.” I know it is true but I am feeling really bad about myself. I don’t feel bad about other disabled people needing help. I am happy to provide support and I see how others need it. I am not feeling ok about needing it for myself.

Pain is really getting to me. It ups my anxiety and depression by so much. It is hard to feel like anything is good even though objectively I feel like most things are going well. It feels on the verge of explosion any minute here.

My jaw hurts. That’s not a standard part of my pain experience and it’s really distracting and awful.

I am starting to low key pack. Stuff that will stay in Jenny’s garage until we come back will get shifted in the next 5-10 days. We are leaving in 13 days. Donation stuff will go at the same time. I’m starting to pack things that we are bringing with us but not using before we leave (shorts, tank tops, sandals). There are a few toys in the kid backpacks that might stay here because they don’t use them often they just can’t bear to get rid of them. We’ll see. The lighter we can make our load when we leave here the better. It means that we can acquire things that we want in our next long-term home.

It’s hard to think about it as a forever home. It will be a permanent address though in the sense of putting it on ID and credit card bills.

Maybe it will be forever? Forever is hard to see. I really want this house. The downstairs main bedroom would be mine. The annex could be used as a combination of AirBnb (for income) and letting friends come and stay. (I mean, there’s a separate kitchen in the annex. That would make longer stays less stressful.) The upstairs sitting room would be perfect if we were legally allowed to host classes there.

Once my kids were big I could have grown up parties there.

This house would be so rad.

We are feeling nervous about buying a house before we have a visa in hand. But if Noah can’t get in on the exceptional talent visa and maintain his California salary he can instead get a job with a Scottish company and get a visa that way. He will be able to get a visa. It’s not in question. It’s just a question of whether we are putting money into our investment portfolio hand over fist for the next couple of years before we get permanent settled/citizenship stuff dealt with.

The average salary around here is under £30,000/year. We are going to be fine one way or another.

It’s only ~1/4 acres for the property, but that’s a lot bigger than the 1/8 we had in Fremont. Listening to folks remind me that I can’t get in over my head on wanting a lot of garden that I won’t be able to maintain…

I’m feeling really scared for my future ability to do things.

Tommy lit himself on fire partially because he could not cope with being helpless. So much of my identity is tied up in being functional and capable and strong.

I am scared.

I did 100% of my PT yesterday. Even the dilation. The dilation was really wicked uncomfortable. My vaginal tissue is not in a happy place. I feel scared that my cunt isn’t ever going to really feel better.

I don’t mind my body aesthetically. But I sure wish it was in less pain.

Today we are going to go meet the solicitor who is 2.7 miles away instead of 105 miles away. This feels less stressful. He’s not going to have to be much better for me to think that it is worth not doing that commute. Even though he is a dude and I have my thing about dudes. GU matters, yo. (Geographically Undesirable)

I need to stop typing. My arms are on fire. I don’t know why I feel so disconnected. My family is being great. Jenny’s family is trying so hard. I am really enjoying getting to know her husband; he’s really funny.

It’s just… me. I suck.