I can’t sleep. Future will eat me.

It’s not a very aggressive form of cancer. Malignant melanoma. But I’m basically freaking out. I had cancer before, when I was 19. Then it was from HPV and on my cervix. It was burned off. This time it will be carved out with a knife and I get to pray I don’t have to undergo radiation.

I’m scared and sad. I don’t want more pain.

I’ve told myself for many years that if I get cancer… I get to just let go and stop trying. I get to die. It’s my right.

But I look at my little 20 month old baby and my 9 year old and my 11 year old… they are not ready for me to go. If it’s worse than expected… I have to fight. I have to fight with everything I am. And I’m told I am a whole lot of extra.

I promise that if I am fighting cancer I will hire house cleaners. Stop bugging me.

Tonight I miss my mother so much I feel like I could collapse under it. I’m crying on and off.

My baby is downstairs crying too. She wants me. I am being selfish. I need to look into my brain and at my feelings right now.

If I have to have radiation, we must wean. That would be hard on so many levels. She loves nursing so much. But she’d prefer to have me whole and alive than to nurse for a few extra months. I know.

It is hard knowing that I can’t give up because I have to keep supporting my kids. I mean, Noah would miss me and that would be terrible. I went to the doctor in the first place because Noah asked me to. Noah told me that I should keep hanging on because after all… he bought me my dream house… I haven’t even put art in it…

I CAN’T DIE WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK LUCREZIA IS DOING AND AT THIS RATE THE GOD DAMN FOGLIOS ARE GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER 20 YEARS TO WRAP UP THIS STORY LINE. (Girl Genius comic book reference.)

But Noah. I have to stay for Noah. He’s even treating his eczema so it can be more fun to rub on him. That’s a lot of effort on his part.

He is trying so hard to be pretty for me. I like the way his hair is growing out. I like how he is trimming his beard. He is working hard on exercise so he can be healthy and strong.

I’m just… really scared of more pain. I feel like I am a coward, a whiner, a pathetic person who just needs to suck it up. Everyone suffers, Buttercup.

Just… fuuuck. I could have used a break for a few years form bad things.