I asked in my online support group about “How are you” and why my child was told that she was rude when she said “terrible”. I was told it is just a substitute for “hello” and being negative in response is indeed rude. People don’t mean it, they are just going through social niceties and answering as if it is a real question is rude and will make people uncomfortable.
I hate the world. That makes me incredibly sad. That feels alienating and awful and it makes me feel like I should stop talking at all. Yes, I’m over reacting. But I’m in a new place with new mores and I just had people from three countries tell me that I am totally inappropriate if I take something as a real question that I have always answered honestly.
I feel horrible. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I should not try to make friends. I feel like I should maintain my video chats with people who actually want to talk to me and stop talking to anyone else and I feel so bad for my poor children who are going to have to learn how to navigate this minefield of lies and lack of caring.
If I ask how are you, I want to know the answer. That’s why I really knew my car mechanic and the lady at the dry cleaners and most of my neighbors and and and and.
But I’m wrong. And my behavior is rude, inappropriate, and alienating.
I cried myself to sleep and I am probably going to spend more time crying about this. I feel sick.
As usual I am doing everything wrong.
Yeah… It’s definitely just as well that we didn’t move to Japan. There are rather a lot of pleasantries there which are, by American standards… Lies? Weird randomness? Some of both?
I am sorry you are having a hard time. It can be hard living in a new place. How are you doing with the less light? I know that affects me and have to adjust for it. It is not a major thing so I can mostly cope by turning on many lights in the house and just leaving them on. I have not needed to go to the step of getting a light panel. Here it seems that the How are you question is taken about the same as it was in the US some people answer seriously and some people count it as just a generic greeting. I never get mad if someone tells me how they are actually doing vs a superficial answer. Depending on the situation I might gloss over things or I might answer seriously. If I am working with someone in a professional capacity I am more likely to gloss over as I don’t feel it is correct if I am giving someone a massage or other type of bodywork to bring up my stuff. So I gloss over. I try to never outright lie though.
What Alison said. Maybe there are regional variations in the UK, and maybe I have been in the US too long and usage had changed, but I always thought “How do you do” was a polite noise with no answer expected except another “How do you do” but “How are you?” was a real question from someone with at least a passing interest in you.
The other bit of that, though, is that I was taught that “How do you do” was the only polite thing to say when being introduced to a stranger. There would need to be some level of acquaintance before using any other greeting. However, that’s from 50+ years ago, so it’s may no longer be true.
My two cents:
I’ve had strong feelings about “how are you?” my whole life. I refuse to lie and say “oh, fine” when I am not fine. HOWEVER the one piece I have learned is to try to pay attention to the level of conversation the other person is inviting. Like when telemarketers or the clerk at the grocery store asks how Im doing, I am honest but try to keep it brief. E.g. “oh, Ive been better, recovering from an injury and looking forward to getting home. I hope your shift is over soon.” That way i send it back to them and they can reply with something short or with interest if they want. It gives a little direction to them on how to respond.
When I reply with “oh Im having a great day!” Or even “oh Im having a terrible day” and i dont add a bit to turn the conversation back to them, i with often get curt uncomfortable responses like “oh good.” Or “im sorry to hear that” from people who clearly intended for a shorter more superficial interaction. It still happens from time to time when im not focused on social cues.
I just refuse to lie about it but keeping it short and giving a chance to redirect has helped.
The flipside is in the south sometimes this led to 20 min conversations about life with strangers, with neither of us fully sure about eachother’s interest, because I never did fully figure out how social stuff works there.