I made it through a day out without feeling too terrible. We had some stuff we needed to deal with and we met a home educating family at a park after errands. It went well.

Now my back is quite sore again. I was out too long and I feel really uncomfortable. I won’t die or anything, but it’s feeling like a lot.

It’s kind of funny, but I’ve seen the mama in that family in town with her kids before. I noticed her because I admired her clothes and I wondered about her being out mid-day with her kids in tow. Ha.

It made me miss my clothes that are in transit that much more. I miss feeling like I look like me. I am in borrowed/hand-me-downs or a couple of pairs of trousers I got because I needed something and that’s what I could find that felt comfortable. I don’t have clothing with me that is weather appropriate that feels like my style. This is amusing to me given how much time and effort I spent thinking about how I want to be seen in the world at the encouragement of the horse-trainer-lady. She has a whole workbook she made about figuring out how you want to be perceived in the world and taking concrete steps towards being accepted for how you see yourself. And now it’s all on the boat. I had stuff with me that worked for how I wanted to be perceived in excessively hot weather. For now, I tread water in stuff that feels kind of wrong. Almost 20 weeks of waiting now.

“It’s on the boat” has become an epithet of hostility in my house.

I both care and don’t care about how people think about me. I tried makeup. Frankly I can’t wear it in this environment; even the “water proof” shit runs and then I look stupid. But I’m a hippy. I want my long loose skirts back. I am not a straight mini-skirt person. Knee length skirts barely feel decent to me. Even when I think they are super cute they don’t feel like me. I realized last night when I went to bed in pajamas that had a little hood on it I was literally only exposing a little oval of skin on my face. I had gloves and socks on (keeps the lotion in, yo–I’m dry as fuck). I honestly like managing my appearance in such a manner. I like being covered. I like having my body be private. I have no interest in dealing with other people’s perspective on whether I shave my armpits or not. You can go fuck yourself if you care.

I like keeping most of my body private in this really intense way. And living in trousers doesn’t feel the same and that’s what I’m doing right now.

I miss the super awesome hiking boots that were too heavy to wear in the heat in Thailand. I want them back. They are on this island. They have been on this island for five days short of a month.

If I get a call on Monday for a Wednesday delivery then the absolute soonest we can get our stuff is 20 weeks. This dominates so much of my awareness. I don’t feel settled. I am always waiting.

I am waiting for my life to start. I’m thinking about the fact that a lot of our home school materials are on the forking boat. Give them back.

We can’t “officially start” home schooling until we are given council permission. This is most irritating. If I never enroll YC in nursery and if I waited until the end of this year when EC is graduating out of primary school I wouldn’t need council permission. At this crux times I’m allowed to simply not enroll my children and the council has no say. But MC having another two years in primary school means I need permission. It being mid-year matters.

It’s going to be a few weeks until they are home full time again. The boat stuff had better bloody arrive.

Meh, bookshelves won’t be built until February at the soonest and probably won’t be done until March or April. Noah’s bathroom has a leak. It’s not like we are settled into this house. Still adjusting. Still wiggling into spot.

I’m trying to not get ahead of myself on planning for the garden. I don’t even know what it looks like at the beginning of spring yet. I don’t know the light patterns yet. I don’t know where things will grow and where I want to add things. I just know I need a whole lot more wildness. I need it for my soul.

Oh! I found out that the housing development that is supposed to be placed on the field behind my house is held up because of badgers! They can’t build anything there until they find suitable rehoming spots for all the badgers and they keep finding more! THAT’S SO COOL. In light of the utter total destruction happening in Australia it’s nice that some animals somewhere in the world are being kept safe right this moment. It doesn’t help the half a billion animals killed there in the fires, but it is one set of humans doing something in one place. It’s not enough.

Enough would require about 7 billion people caring. I don’t know how to make that happen.

Our home is becoming really wonderful to me and I have mixed feelings about that. I am a Have in this world. As a result I am building a beautiful home–it’s a process. Making this home is going to take a decade or more. Ha, Noah thinks I don’t have a big project started? I’m just pacing myself. There is no fair. There is no justice. I don’t know how to feel about any of this or what I should do about any of it. I didn’t think I would be a Have. I expected to be a Have Not.

And yet when I look back… did I really? Or was my sense of self esteem so high that I made sure this would be the end result?

I want to learn how to be a lot more things; I want to do a lot more things. I don’t want to buy a lot more things. I want to make my own pretties. And that requires one of the biggest luxuries of all… time.

I’m not a minimalist. I like drawers and shelves and cubbies with things in them. Minimalists think more will appear in the moment they have a need. I like having stock to get me through the lean times when access is harder.

My typing is tapering off because Fluffy is not ok with me doing anything other than petting her.

Skills I want to have:

• making more kinds of ethnic foods from scratch
• sewing the clothing I wear, I hope mostly from recycled fabrics
• make the candles I burn
• figure out more about growing native plants from cuttings so I can provide food for local insects as many months a year as possible
• get better at painting
• figure out how to make bread-making a part of my routine; it tastes better
• build an exercise routine I can keep with kids around

In 2020 I hope to:

• read 78 new-to-me books
• walk at least 1500 miles
• be consistent with tracking our finances so we have a better idea of what that will look like going forward
• find more relaxed ways to help my kids learn; I want to be less schooly
• have more date time with Noah
• build a play kitchen in the yard for YC
• organize the books in the house
• get started on setting up an art studio
• write at least 10 letters to friends
• spend less time on the computer or my phone
• try to incorporate more witchcraft into our family time

That’s a lot. That’s enough. Go to bed, Krissy. Boat stuff won’t come faster if you stay up being annoyed at the delay.