I don’t blame people in the bay for how stressful the bay was for me, not really. It’s complicated. Nobody owed me support. Not even people who promised support. It’s more that I was not able to calm down and feel ok and I wanted others to make me feel better. I know that was broken of me.

I wanted to be loved enough by others that I didn’t have to love myself; it’s so clear when I look at years of journal entries quickly. I bounced around from person to person. I don’t know that I helped anyone from the goodness of my heart. I wanted to create a sense of obligation in people. I know it was wrong but I never managed to stop.

I have a buddy in the bay. She is currently on the same merry go round I was on. She does things for people and she can’t understand why they don’t volunteer to help her too. She is feeling bitter, rejected, and sad. She wants to look for new people to try again with but she has similar problems year after year.

It’s easier to see the pattern in the rear view mirror or when someone else is doing it.

I have spent seven months traveling. The people I expected to be able to ask for help from mostly didn’t work out but I was massively surprised by who showed up.

I thought Dad and the old babysitter would do a lot; I expected it. They didn’t. To be fair, Dad wanted to but his boundaries changed and I didn’t feel I could accept and be the kind of mother I want to be. That’s not his fault. I didn’t spend 10 years with fanatical boundaries around my drug usage and sex life just so I could let someone I met in a sex club do whatever he wants in front of my kids because “it isn’t illegal.” I don’t bring my kids around people who drink heavily even though it’s legal. I don’t take my kids to houses where people smoke cigarettes inside even though it’s legal. I don’t take my kids around people who are casual with guns even though it’s legal.

It’s not about laws. It’s about what do I want to teach them in life. What do I want to model.

I model trying really hard to improve diet, exercise, and reading books. Not because I am perfect but because I am trying to stay as healthy as possible so I can be there for them.

I use medications in as small and as controlled of a way as I can. I talk about how if you use drugs casually or frequently you develop tolerance and it won’t work when you need it. Drugs are not for fun, drugs are to help when your body can’t cope; whether it’s pain (mental or physical), diarrhea, or sinus problems. You take the minimum. I talk about how it is better to look for other ways of coping before turning to drugs.

Eliminating driving reduces my pain enough that I can cope ok without pot. So I should do that. Exercise reduces pain so I should do that. Eating less sugar reduces inflammation and so forth and so on.

But what about when I must drive? What about when exercise is hard because I don’t have time, space or support? What about when I feel eaten alive by anxiety because there is so much I can’t control?

Well, I make shittier choices. I have eaten waaaaaaaaay too many donuts recently. I literally hurt myself because I needed “this feels good” feelings and I didn’t know how else to get them.

I didn’t use tons of pot in front of my kids to cope. I used some when I was in the states but not much for my body. I used the minimum and when I wanted more compulsively I ate donuts instead. Was it really better? I don’t know.

There is a lot I don’t know. But the day we got the visas I told the kids we had to cut back on bad coping methods. And we did and things are getting better and healthier again.

This is tied to how I looked to friendships. I use my friends like drugs to make me feel better.