I used to be incredibly insecure about my parenting. I put a lot of effort into documenting what I said and how I said it and I looked to my friends as the arbiters of whether I was good enough or not. But over time and with the demise of most of my close relationships that has shifted.

The longer I parent the more I understand that a lot of the people I chose to be my judges were people who had deep trauma based on the parenting they experienced. Like often feels comfortable with like and in my pre-parenting life I mostly attracted other people who had traumatic backgrounds like my own. We could validate one another and commiserate. It was what I needed as a childless person.

I don’t think I can point at a moment or year when I stopped wanting to know the opinions of other people when it comes to my parenting. But that switch flipped somewhere. Your opinion is your opinion and it isn’t a fact and it isn’t going to influence my behavior so you should go ahead and keep it to yourself. I have noticed this recently when I had an initial impulse to maybe write about an interaction then I felt a pause in my thinking and I instead talked to the kids.

I love having older children. I love the conversations and the intense interactions we have. I love that they feel entitled to have opinions about things that happen to them. I love that they are willing and able to negotiate for changes when they need them. I love that they reflect upon their experiences and can talk about which parts feel ok and which parts need to be adjusted. They think deeply and they express their evaluations with nuance and determination.

They feel confident and self assured when it comes to asking for change and support. I mean, sometimes they frame it as diffidence or insecurity “There is something I want to tell you but I’m afraid you’ll get upset”. To which I reply, “Enh you know that I don’t yell at you about personal stuff I yell about stupid things like chores.” “Hm. You are right. Well here it goes…” Then we have a nice chat.

I am still obnoxious about chore stuff. I go in cycles. When I am overwhelmed by life because of a multitude of factors I yell about chores not getting done on a timeline I would prefer. It is not my best trait. It is basically the last shitty pressure relief valve I have. It’s not great and it isn’t ideal. It’s not constant and it doesn’t overwhelm our life so I am not losing sleep over feeling shameful about it.

I’ve been rereading (or first time reading) books on coping with executive function difficulties. We are a house full of people who struggle. I spoke with a dear old friend recently and he commented that when his son was diagnosed with ADHD he had a “hmmm” moment because he was never diagnosed and he isn’t going to bother in his late 50’s he almost certainly could have been diagnosed if it had been as much of a thing 40-50 years ago. The ways we recognize ourselves through our children is so striking and dramatic. Having children forces you to deal with the traits that you struggle with through a whole new lens. Your children aren’t you and they don’t have your experiences but they have a mix of your traits and your partners traits. Many of us pick partners who have similar enough struggles that we can understand each other.

My children are not me and they are not Noah. They do, however, function as semi-distorted mirrors that reflect back parts of ourselves that are mixed. They are highly capable. They are intense people. They struggle with figuring out how to use their time with deliberate planning so they can get through their list of tasks. They can occasionally really struggle with emotional regulation though these failure modes go in different directions for each of the kids. It’s neat watching their similarities and differences.

It’s almost like watching my personality traits and Noah’s personality traits get turned into the sweets that stuff a piñata and giving birth whacked the piñata open and now the kids are each picking up random bits. Sorry for the pieces that are overly chewy and get stuck in your teeth, kids.

I love them so much and I admire them so much. I feel such tremendous validation that they like me as much as they do. The older kids are definitely getting to the point where they crave peer friendships with great intensity but they want to come back and tell me all about it and share it in retrospect. They want my help understanding dynamics. They want me to help them process their feelings and thoughts. I feel deeply respected and admired.

It’s fucking awesome I have to say.

It is hard for them to go out and make new friendships with the pandemic. This is a rough time for them and all of their peers. But they are finding ways to reach out. They are finding bridges into the community. I’m having mixed feelings about their increased internet participation in life but I suppose it was coming. Oldest is counting the days until she can have a youtube channel of her own and she’s making videos about as fast as she can. The big kids are on Discord. I’m networking with homeschoolers in the area. I have found some families that are around MC’s age and I have found a couple of families close to YC’s age. I think things will be ok once we can get going again.

Now we wait for safety. Something that feels hilariously elusive.