I used to ask my mom strange questions. I remember that I had a few in particular that I’d ask over and over and she’d kind of freak out. One was: “What would be the most important thing for you to keep if we become homeless and we lose our car?” That question really bothered her and I asked it over and over and over all through my youth.

My oldest asks me what I would do if she died. I don’t think she is suicidal–it’s not that sort of question.

When I’m doing work I often like to have a show I have basically memorized in the background. I haven’t ripped the DVDs yet so West Wing hasn’t been my show of choice since I left the US. Here it is Call the Midwife. There’s an episode where a one-show character is introduced. Mrs. Jenkins is an old woman who spent 30 years in a workhouse and all of her children died there. This character exists in the show to show the rich and privileged main character, Jenny Lee, what it is like for people who have really suffered in poverty. Mrs. Jenkins cries loudly “The workhouse howl” as she keens her grief when she is alone.

That episode came on last time when I was painting and my oldest was sitting close to me working on her drawing while I painted. I said, “That’s what I mean. You always ask what I would do if you died. I tell you I would go on living but I would never be ok again. That’s what I mean.”

She looked utterly shattered.

Life is painful. Sometimes there are people you cry over forever. The smallest, stupidest reference to my mother can lead to me crying. That grief is so close to the surface that if a gentle wind blows away the leaves covering it then it goes off like a bomb. Am I still alive? Of course? Am I ok? In a manner of speaking. I smile. I project happiness. But I ache every day because there is a piece of me missing. A piece that I tried so hard to replace with friendships only it never worked out.

I’m almost 40. When will I stop crying over my mother? I’ll let you know if it ever happens.It is absolutely terrifying to consider how much it would break me if I lost a child. Some days I feel like I am held together with paperclips and string. How could I replace that much loss?

I need them to out live me. So eat your fucking vegetables and get regular exercise, damnit.