Based on my research, almost no one remembers the past very well. We always change and adapt the stories to suit our own perceptions/beliefs/biases. But the thing is: not many people write down their wrong beliefs and memories. I do. I could have gone back and read the journal entries from the time and perhaps come away with a more accurate/correct understanding of what happened around that party. But I didn’t. I talked about how I remembered it and I was remembering it quite differently from how someone else remembered it. I accept that my memory is corrupted by general sense of self loathing and dislike of myself and my behavior.

This is part of why I don’t write much anymore. I’m not the only one who remembers wrong. But when you put things out there and you are wrong that causes more pain than just being wrong in your head.

He doesn’t remember calling me a drug pusher. Where does that memory come from? Why do I have that in my head? Is that just my fear? Is that just how I felt about myself? Was that just what I believed?

Someone said they wouldn’t go to the party unless everyone was using. I don’t even remember who that was or why it was important. I know it wasn’t true because there was one person who was there who couldn’t use MDMA because of an allergy/terrible set of previous physical reactions. So if I said that at the time it wasn’t even accurate so why did I say it?

Why did I fuck up a connection that was more important to me in the long run than whatever I tried to protect in that moment? And why do I reflect on it later when I am only going to cause more problems and be even more wrong?

I don’t know. I picked wrong. That whole attempt blew up in my face and I regret it deeply. I believe it was a terrible mistake for a variety of reasons and in my head it is more evidence of why no one should look up to me or want to be like me. I make stupid choices. I hurt people. And I can’t fix it. And years later when I remember it with whatever twist my brain put on it I hurt people more and I am more wrong and I make yet another stupid mistake by talking about it in a way that other people can see.

I do the wrong thing over and over and over. I wish my daughter didn’t tell me that she looks up to me. When she does all I can think is that I am contemptible and stupid and wrong and I do not deserve it. It makes me feel so much worse about myself because apparently I have misrepresented myself to her so badly that she has the impression that I am good.

I am not good. I make the wrong the decisions. I hurt people. And I remember things wrong and hurt people again.

I don’t see anything worthy of respect or admiration or emulation. I don’t forgive myself for these mistakes. I just keep on making them.

I should not make new relationships. I will only hurt more people.