I like being able to talk to myself about what I’m doing and why. But I’m scared. On one hand I feel like I am in a more stable place than I used to be but on the other hand it feels so precarious. I might be more stable in a day-to-day way but I don’t think I feel more secure.

I still feel like I am going to hurt everyone and that my words have a lot of power and I am bad if anything I say makes people feel upset.

I feel paralyzed with fear. I don’t write much at all anywhere anymore because I am afraid of consequences, arguments, misunderstandings, different points of view that make me feel like I am doing something bad again. I don’t want to have the power to hurt people. I really, really do though.

I think/process/experience things as these concentric rings that stack on top of one another and drip down into the cracks. It’s not changing what happened but it adds layers of nuance and difference to the memories and I think/project that other people do the same thing. Only the layers we are stacking are so different that the end result is a completely different thing.

It’s like that thing where if people remember that you were part of the “good old days” they forget that at the time they didn’t like you very much and all of a sudden they want to reminisce with you and talk about the people you used to know in common. They have a picture of you in their head but the total experience of it changes over time. Even if they can remember that they didn’t like you–it’s irrelevant and almost funny now. “Why didn’t I like you? Oh, something stupid. Meh. I’m over it.” But if you stayed in daily/weekly contact with them for all this time they wouldn’t be over it.

People are funny.

Ok I am happy that Noah got a full time job again. It would have been kind of difficult and scary to slowly pay for these repairs over years. Instead I have some confidence that we are going to get to the end of this cycle of repairs and not need to do anything big until the kitchen falls apart. (It’s cheap Ikea shit. That’s not a long-term solution.)

I’ve talked about it on Facebook but not here: this house sure has been a sinkhole in terms of money. Noah’s bathroom is such a wreck and leaking water that we waited until our bank account balance hit a certain level and we started in on replacing it. As has happened more than once with this house… the scope creeps as we find out about the level of damage. Former owners (probably including the ones before the people we purchased from) really did not believe in proper maintenance or doing a job right. It looks like there have been big water leaks for years and the under flooring in the bathroom has old massively destroyed wood just kinda hanging out. It wasn’t replaced the last time someone installed a tiny cubicle shower in here. We (meaning the amazing joiner we are employing) are completely ripping everything out down to studs and the whole floor and walls have to be replaced and the water damage drips down into my room. Super fun.

So there’s going to be some pretty intensive floor/wall/ceiling work involved. Could it be patched up for cheap? Sure. That’s what folks have been doing and that’s why there are major systemic problems. We are paying to put good wood everywhere. Taking out all the wonky barely effective plumbing and upgrading it. Noah is going to double the square footage of his shower. (There was literally no reason to create a blocked off corner and a tiny shower in the bathroom… there was nothing behind the space wasting corner wall thing.)

In self defense from the flood of color he has no choice but to live with… his bathroom and office will be shades of grey. It’s going to be a slightly hilarious contrast and statement about just how much he is compromising in the rest of the house. Clearly none of this brightness is his thing. He’s a patient man.

Despite feeling overwhelming desire to paint most of the house in bright murals… I don’t know what I’m going to do in my bedroom. I don’t know that I want intense colors. What I have lived with for 1.75 years at this point is mostly white walls with one blue accent wall with birds and flowers done almost like a wallpaper design. It’s not really what I like. Noah has the same accent wall in his room and it’s even less his thing.

I want an airy, open feel with very light colors in my room. I want shelves with lots of plants on them and almost no furniture.

When I finish today I need to sit down and do some pencil work on the layout of the bedroom and bathroom. There are a lot of specifics to figure out but I really should get back to painting. I started 4 hours ago and I’ve had multiple lengthy breaks… I want to finish absolutely everything I can do with the ladder in this position and then figure out how I’m attacking the project next. I may do no other ladder work this weekend; I haven’t decided yet. Depends on where I finish and how tired I am. I have to worry about the arm spasms and the back pain a lot more when I’m working this high.

But on the upside: I’m really loving what I’m doing above the stairs. It’s turning out well. Back into the breach.