Recently someone who, about two decades ago, asked to be my Leather mom tried to friend me on facebook. I actually unfriended her about six months ago because I was weak when she came around a year or so ago when I filled out my facebook profile more and included California people. I unfriended her because when I see her posts about how terribly she misses her daughter and how the lockdown was traumatizing to her because she can’t see her baby it cuts like a knife. It jumps up and down on my old buttons about how other people deserve to be loved and I don’t. So instead of being an asshole I just unfriended her.

I uhm was not as nice this time around. Instead of ghosting her I let her know (with a fair few words) just how much she hurt me and that continuing to stand near her at this point makes me think about killing myself and I just can’t do that anymore. She responded with ethos and just how broken she is now and an attempt to gain sympathy and support from my end. I am not going to respond. Because if I did it would be something hostile about how she fucking dumped me years before her partner died so if she is broken in the aftermath of his loss I don’t fucking care anymore.

This is like my mother expecting me to start handling all of her financial needs when I was 18 and I got the accident settlement. She didn’t really raise me–a whole series of foster placements kept me fed and clothed and not homeless. But hey I owe her because she is so needy and she’s my mother. Naw. Fuck off.

Many years ago now my Leather Dad told me that he’d be happy to let my kids call him grandpa but I needed to keep in mind that he wasn’t going to do anything to help me because all of his money and support and property was going to his kids. Then a couple years after that he asked to borrow $10,000. We worked out a loan agreement and I gave it to him and he paid me back. Then he came back asking to borrow $25,000. For someone who was absolutely fucking clear that he wouldn’t help me he sure expected me to help him. I said no the second time.

I talked to a good friend about how they are the only person Sarah has lived with who Sarah doesn’t owe money because they didn’t charge Sarah rent. When Sarah broke up with me she had effectively stolen money from me; it was put in an account to buy groceries for the family. A couple weeks later she had a plane ticket to see her sister’s graduation and she needed more money for groceries. This was never really discussed because if I got angry with her then she would tell me I have Borderline Personality Disorder and she can’t deal with me because I am triggering because I am just like her mother.

They say that extreme independence is a sign of trauma and it’s not a good thing. I’m told that me being a bit on edge and not 100% trusting Noah means I shouldn’t be married to him because I am being abusive to him. Basically what that means is because I am a traumatized person I should be alone for the rest of my life–hey independence!

For reasons I don’t really understand he thinks that having this much of me is better than having none of me.

Recently I read something that I found interesting: The Unified Cutlery Theory. I feel like over the last two months I managed to turn the corner and all I have are knives. I posted a while ago about doing well and I think that was a stupid thing to do. I burst my bubble.