I can’t tell how much this malaise is hormonal, other physical stuff, or emotional stuff but I’d like to climb in bed for a few weeks and not come out. I have a lot of demands right now and all of them feel draining and exhausting rather than restorative. Even the stuff I am doing because it is supposedly restorative.

I feel sad, ineffective, helpless, and unworthy. I am tired of feeling taken for granted and used. I have nothing to give and that means I should not be around people at all because I need support and I don’t deserve support. I think I could curl up in a ball on the floor of my bedroom today and not move until I have to use the toilet again.

It’s the kind of day where “I can feel the clot coming” so the toilet is a very necessary part of the day.

I feel empty. I feel like I can’t do anything right so why bother trying. I feel like I just want to hide. I feel like I would like to die because that is the only way out of this avalanche of feeling shitty. I hate fucking everyone. I feel angry and overwhelmed with rage and contempt.

I don’t want to kill myself. But I’m not sure I would move out of the way of an oncoming train. I haven’t felt this low in a while. It’s a bunch of stupid things.